2026.01.27 Transcription
Picking up again on my “transcription” project, when I go into a meditative/observe&transcribe state with my mind and let myself write about it, removing as many self-imposed filters as possible. This is the exhaust from a process already completed; not a product for your consumption.
I love the sound of of the woods as white noise. It's not nonsense like ASMR but it also isn't musical and therefore something I analyze. It's just meaningless outdoors noise. Nothing to predict or mimic. Just the reassurance that time is passing. It is music itself. There's a beat. Non animals make music. These are voices just as our noises are voices. Why do they get noise while we get voice? You can split the awareness do their voices into their own groups that you can see as being so wise that they can also make a noise like we can make a noise. We should be in much more awe for what is going on here. Space made some monsters and they're us! We are the accident of existence but how absolutely mindblowing to be. To be at all.
Evil Jesus is the thoughtpolice who thinks your brain doesn't work right. And demands you sacrifice yourself as an apology.
I think it's hard to let ourselves deeply perceive the true vastness of the situation we find ourselves in... Sentient apes in space. We take existing and having stories to die for as for granted. Instead of seeing the larger context of "why at all?" Why aren't we ready to really take a sober breath and be willing to question everything together realizing that we are absolute fools if we think we can fully grasp what's going on here. We'd have to all be very willing to let go of a sense of control over reality but even that fear of losing tryout control over reality is just another thought. Then you are aware that everything is a thought. It's not just a nice idea but its likely structurally true. The physical intersection of time and space where this exchange of perception is happening just a chemical reaction. That you think there's a You as full spirit is not true. What you think is you is a by product. You truly aren't in control. You're an ego who thinks it doesn't need the body and is ignorant of it's actually nature, being the byproduct of chemicals interacting. I am residue. I am not real. Not in a derealizjng way but in a perceptual way. If you conceptualize what it is to Be, you can change how you see the world and how you interact with it. You think that just be ause you're not paying attention, you're still You? You don't notice the changes moment from moment? The mood up and down? How constant it is. Like the unending beat of the heart, the Stream of consciousness is always being projected through my awareness at all times. Even when I pretend I don't notice that it's saying all kinds of crazy things, the stream is still there, still thinking, always preferring to be hidden from itself. It is like shifting mind to mind, like a mad person. But it's sensed. The mind hops from dreaming up questions, then to hearing the mocking of others, then an attempt to understand why I am feeling distracted, realizing that I've got caught into a story where I'm playing over and over again the message that my mind is broken because it keeps getting stuck on these loops and there's no reasoning with it. You just got to try to look the other way be ause still have no idea what to do about it's oresence. It's like holding up the temporary weight of the bottom spacers for a short time turned into a too long of time.
Don't let it fool you, it's going to tell you that it is much too busy handling the stresses of life right now for you to bother it with these inquiries. As if knowing the nature of your existence isn't the most pressing interest that you have. Because it is judged to want to look behind the curtain. I have been shamed for asking questions. I have been forcing myself to not be aware of my endlessly questioning and beautiful mind because it's been made very clear to me that questions aren't welcome. They're impolite. Just be naturally comfortable with all of this. Feel like you deserve to be conscious for some reason. Like you're entitled to existence. That is what I feel man's problem is. We take the dependency of our existence itself, the entire reason we can have a story or a life, for completely granted and owed us.
