23 Years Ago
Over time I’m going to be typing up some excerpts from my journals. Today I’m sharing some parts of a journal that my friend Carrie gave me in the spring of 2001 as we were both finishing up our time at the YWAM school in Culiacan, Mexico. My own commentary in italics.
Carrie: I remember the first day we met and you were on your bed looking at photos from home.
Ooof…. I must have been immediately homesick upon arrival to Mexico the fall of 2000.
Carrie: Though I know you hate sappy things, you need to hear them. Cause they’re all true. And Marie, it’s never a chore to be your friend, I love it.
Oooof… so I clearly had fear of intimacy back then, too.
I had crushes ALL THE TIME. I had a crush on a guy named Saul who I met during the outreach of my DTS. I wrote several pages on my experiences with him. Here are some excerpts:
“I said hi & we were shaking hands, whatever, but I walked away because I was scared”
“He was outside playing basketball & we were all going to go to a movie. So I asked him if he’d go. He said ‘no’, not really giving a reason. I kept asking even offered to pay for him. It appeared he said no. But when I was in the van, he jumped in, obviously going. I was glad he came. I tried to pace my step so we could sit together, but it didn’t work out.”
“I was a dork throughout the movie & Saul looked back and laughed”
“At the van, I set it up that he would sit by me. But he didn’t even get in. He said ‘this will probably be the last time I see you guys…’”
“Thursday morning he came over. I wanted to talk with him & was noticing him the whole time, but I was playing the game.”
“He didn’t even say goodbye. I was torn. I didn’t know if he was going to come back. If I would even see him again. I went upstairs on the balcony, thinking about him, wandering around the house.”
“We were sitting on either end of the couch & I felt so embarrassed because my legs were very hairy”
“So in a moment of silence, I said ‘ok, you want your gift now?’ So I got the letter, the picture, and the money. I said he can’t refuse a blessing or he’ll go to hell.”
Oh god… I’ve been using money to endear men to me for a while.
"He’s been a Christian for only 1 year. He said that listening to secular music was a struggle for him. He basically talked about how he just didn’t care about the things of this world. He doesn’t care about material things. He said he’s lost a lot of friends over materials. He says he thinks a lot about why God chose him? Why he is where he is? He wants to plant churches, establish them, leave, plant another, etc. His friends used to think he was gay because they would be like ‘hey, what a hot girl!’ and he’d be like ‘No, I don’t care’.”
“He said he doesn’t smile a lot. But that I’ve made him smile more or something”
Oof… I’ve been using people pleasing to endear romantic partners to me for a while.
“I shared with him about my identity problems and being insecure”
