Design Your Own God
selfie on 3/14 (pi day), facing NW, watching snow out the window
I can already feel the cringe from both religious/spiritual people as well as my community of religious trauma sufferers. I promise you, the subject is mostly just click bait.
In the last week, I have begun to read “Facing Codependence”. I’m too lazy to get you the hyperlink and you wouldn’t click it anyways. Google fu. I have wanted to toss that back across the room DOZENS of times as it spells out who I am and how I’ve become that way. I had a feeling I was just a little codependent, but it felt like my husband and I were doing all the work to be as interdependent as possible. After separating last summer and both of us taking our time to reflect on our 11 years together, we’ve both come to terms with how truly codependent we were.
Now, as I hear myself think and then write that thought out, I want to remind me and you that I am not ashamed of being codependent. At least not willingly ashamed. Since I’ve accepted I have ADHD (Oct 2021), I have reflected on my entire life, something that my brain had repressed in order to continue surviving, and see how circumstances in my life (very very very early on) guaranteed that I would become codependent. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a coping mechanism to survive, and survive I did. I am grateful for the 11 years with my husband. We were good for each other in some crucial ways. It was a little jarring to wake up one day and realize what was really going on, but in the grander scheme of things, I prefer the growth accompanied by discomfort over perpetual disembodiment and reliance on others to feel in control.
Anyways, this book has been very revealing. I might read it twice, in fact, to organize my thoughts around it and further identify how codependence is showing up in my life and how to go about finding my own Self. Yesterday I was reading the chapter about the core symptoms of codependence. One of those had to do with the lack of a spiritual life. The book even defined that as being in a relationship with something outside of yourself that provides you with nurturance, wisdom, etc. I was on board for trying to come up with a Higher Power concept but when they defined it as being outside of yourself, I got frustrated. This has always been a hindrance in communities that believe you need a “higher power” to overcome whatever it is that you’re facing. It feels insulting to me, honestly. It could be because of the shadowed indoctrination of evangelical Christianity that still lingers in me. I have yet to know. However, yesterday, I felt a little more gracious and creative.
One thing I’ll say is that, I do kind of feel like I can’t do this on my own. And when I say “I”, I mean my ego as it is today. I was thinking about this last night and contemplated how we kind of move through life looking forward to things. Right now, I am looking forward to spring. It’s constantly on my mind. I energize myself by fantasizing about the platform I’m going to build in the backyard for outdoor yoga and meditation. Or the Zen garden I want to make for walking meditations. Looking forward to something is essentially enjoying a fantasy. Enjoying anticipation. Getting energy from imagining your future joy. I started to think, what if that’s the purpose of a higher power construct, in a way? What if having a higher power serves as our ULTIMATE projection. Something we can project our desired characteristics onto and “look forward” to the ongoing alignment with that construct and its affiliated qualities. Now, that makes a lot of sense to me.
So I started thinking, maybe I do need a higher power. Not because there is one but because my ego needs one in order for it to get out of its own way. I can’t think myself out of this codependent, Self-less state I’m in. I can’t do this on my own. So I thought last night, what if I made my own custom higher power? As a means to hack my brain and ego. I’ve read time and time again about how the placebo effect isn’t just a way to dismiss results of a study BUT that it can actually be used consciously. Yes, you can do things that you know will just render a placebo effect, but it was effective nonetheless, even if you know it is a placebo. So could I make a higher power intentionally to gain the placebo effect of a soothed ego? I dunno! Let’s find out!
So last night, I started reflecting on this. If I could make a higher power, a spirit animal, a guide, a guru, an angel, a wise ancestor, … what would they be like? What qualities would they have? I’ll say briefly that I’m considering repurposing the archetype of Jesus in my head since he was the original divine archetype I received and there’s something about that first archetype being deep in your psyche well past any disbelief in it. I don’t find the Jesus person particularly more compelling than any other peace activist that is alive today, but nevertheless, his story is inside of me. Whether I repurpose him or not, I’m not sure. that’s for a future post as well as the realization that I must believe in my own internal sovereignty if I’m going to get anywhere (since deep down, I don’t believe that I should be in charge of my mind/body; someone else should).
Anyways, Jesus or not, last night I started thinking about all the people in my life who I have strong feelings for. Whether I admire them or I am jealous of them, it’s all the same. Since I don’t actually know what it’s like to be any of these people, usually what I admire about them is an aggrandized version of one of their personality traits, but more importantly, those qualities I admire/envy tell me something about myself. They tell me who I want to become, what I value, and what I feel I am missing. This is incredibly important information. That means that instead of clinging to the people I admire and envy, I can use that information to guide myself more into those qualities that I apparently want in myself.
Whether inspired by real people or TV people, I am going to begin to write up my character sheet for my Higher Power. Then instead of asking something like “What Would Jesus Do”, I can ask myself “What Would My Higher Power Do” and I can tap into that melting pot of a personality that I’ve designed custom for myself and how I want to be. It gives my ego something to aim for. At that moment, that’s when I wrote in my journal, “the ego sacrifices itself for my sins”. I paused and looked at what I had just written. “Sacrifices itself”… where had I last heard language like that? Definitely Christianity. In Christianity, Jesus (the Divine) mortally sacrifices himself for the sins of the human species. In my ego work, I’m realizing that my ego is willingly trying to help me sacrifice it to free my self from my “sins” (an out of control, codependent ego). Isn’t that interesting? Doesn’t that just kind of nicely sit on top of the Jesus story, if I wanted it to? As of now, I see my ego as a psychological protection but once a psyche is safe enough to realize that it is being protected by an ego’s shadows, then it’s time to get free. So yes, in this sense, I do resonate with the idea of “I cannot recover on my own” and the need to “surrender to a higher power”. The problem was, they didn’t define who “I” am and didn’t define the higher power. But since I am sovereign in my mind, I think that’s how I’m going to have it click for me.
So let’s build a god, shall we?
I wrote a few characteristics down yesterday but I want to continue to write more and really flesh this god out. I want to use my idolizing and my jealousy to guide me towards who I want to become. Here are a few personality traits (& the corresponding trait-owners) that I have strong feelings about and would want to include in my god:
The childlike awe of Joe Pera.
The enthusiasm and appreciation for human culture/connection of Jeff Goldblum
Romantic relationships like the relationship of Joe Pera and his girlfriend Sarah
The seemingly constant Now connection of Adam (my bf)
The ever present humor (even when alone) of Adam
The predictable rationality of Adam.
The consistent expression of love and support even when unsure how to of my mom
The joy in small things of Joe Pera
The constant curiosity and soft pondering of Joe Pera
The seemingly lack of self consciousness of Jeff Goldblum
The delight in being alive of Jeff Goldblum
The soft fur of my cat Noodle
The existential/spiritual understandings of Alan Watts
The willingness to have an awakening any time, including late in life, like my dad
The slow pacing of Joe Pera
The non-judgmentalness of Joe Pera
The unapologetic, nerdy passion of people in Chicken People
The playfulness of actors and comedians
Looking at the list above, I realize I am still rather influenced by white men and that is unsettling, but that’s for another day.
