Dr. Gpt, Fix My Purity Culture Wounds
Me:
What advice would you give to this client who was raised in purity culture but has since deconverted and doesn't understand their sexuality. They don't know how to feel the sexual energy of their body, how to talk about it with their partner, how to initiate sex, nor how to stay present during sex and enjoy it. They also struggle with feeling that sex is a form of approval.
Dr. Gpt:
For a client who was raised in purity culture, has since deconverted, and is now struggling to understand and embrace their sexuality, it’s important to approach with compassion and gentleness, recognizing the deep-rooted impact purity culture can have on a person’s relationship with their body, sexuality, and intimacy. Here’s the advice I would offer:
1. Acknowledge the Impact of Purity Culture
The first step is to acknowledge and validate how purity culture has shaped their experience of sexuality. Growing up with teachings that emphasize shame, fear, or guilt around sex can make it difficult to connect with the body in a healthy, pleasurable way. I would say:
“It’s completely normal to feel confused or disconnected from your sexuality after being raised in purity culture. This system often teaches people to disconnect from their own desires and bodies, so it makes sense that this part of your life feels difficult now.”
"You’ve deconstructed from the beliefs that no longer serve you, and that’s a big step. But it can take time to rebuild a new relationship with your body and sexuality that feels empowering and authentic.”
2. Focus on Reconnecting with the Body
Purity culture often teaches people to see their bodies as something to be controlled, hidden, or disciplined. To begin understanding and feeling sexual energy, it’s important to start by reconnecting with the body in a safe, non-sexual way. This could involve:
Body mindfulness practices: Encourage the client to focus on non-sexual body awareness, such as mindful breathing, stretching, or gentle touch. This can help them learn to inhabit their body and notice sensations without fear or judgment.
Self-exploration: Sexuality can be explored through self-pleasure in a way that’s focused on curiosity rather than performance. Encourage the client to explore touch in a way that feels safe and non-pressuring, with the goal of learning what feels good to them without any expectations.
Grounding techniques: Help the client stay present in their body by practicing grounding exercises. This could be as simple as focusing on sensations like the feel of sheets, the warmth of their partner’s skin, or their breath during intimate moments.
3. Address the Shame and Guilt
Purity culture often equates sexual desire with shame, and these feelings don’t magically disappear after deconstructing from those beliefs. It’s important to work through these emotions by reframing sexuality as something natural and positive:
"Sexual desire is a natural part of being human, and it's important to remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with feeling that energy or wanting to explore it.”
"If feelings of guilt or shame come up during sexual moments, remind yourself that these are old voices from the past. They don’t have to define how you experience your sexuality now."
Affirmations: Create affirmations that help challenge the shame (e.g., "My body is not sinful. My desires are natural. I deserve to experience pleasure without guilt.")
4. Learn to Communicate Openly with Your Partner
Talking about sex can feel awkward or intimidating, especially if you were taught that discussing sexuality is taboo. I would encourage the client to start by gently opening the conversation with their partner, focusing on creating an atmosphere of curiosity and mutual respect:
“Start small by expressing what you’re feeling without the need to have all the answers. You can say something like, ‘I’m still figuring out what I like and how to feel comfortable, and I’d love to explore that with you in a way that feels safe for both of us.’”
"If you feel uncomfortable or unsure during intimacy, it’s okay to pause and talk about it. You can say something like, ‘I’m feeling disconnected right now, and I’d like to slow down.’ This can help build trust and intimacy."
Encourage non-verbal communication as well—simple gestures or signals during intimate moments can help guide the experience without pressure to have everything figured out verbally.
5. Redefine What Initiating Sex Means
In purity culture, sex is often framed as something that happens within strict, controlled circumstances (often involving shame or approval). To redefine initiation, it’s important to remove the pressure of what sex “should” look like and focus on connection and playfulness:
“Think of initiating sex as an invitation to connect with your partner, rather than a performance or task. It can be as simple as touching their arm, making eye contact, or expressing affection in a small way.”
"Explore other ways of being intimate besides penetrative sex, such as kissing, cuddling, or gentle touch. This can help take the pressure off of initiation and create space for more natural connection."
6. Stay Present During Intimacy
Many people who have experienced purity culture dissociate or mentally check out during sex due to feelings of shame or discomfort. To help the client stay present, I would suggest mindfulness techniques:
Focus on sensations: Encourage them to focus on physical sensations (like warmth, softness, or texture) instead of performance or expectations. Bringing attention to the moment can help reduce anxiety and increase pleasure.
Breathing exercises: Deep, slow breaths can help them stay grounded during intimacy. If they feel their mind wandering or anxiety creeping in, coming back to the breath can bring them back to the present moment.
Practice curiosity: Instead of feeling pressure to experience pleasure in a specific way, encourage them to approach intimacy with curiosity. They can explore what feels good without needing to have a definitive goal.
7. Separate Sex from Approval
Purity culture often teaches people, especially women, that sex is tied to approval or worth. Breaking this link is crucial for healthy intimacy. I would encourage the client to explore why they may feel sex is tied to approval:
"It’s important to remind yourself that sex is not a measure of your worth or something you need to offer for approval. You don’t have to earn your partner’s love or validation through sex."
Encourage them to talk with their partner about how they feel. If they are seeking approval through sex, they might be trying to fill a deeper emotional need that could be met in other ways (like through verbal affirmation, physical affection, or acts of care).
Help them explore self-worth outside of sex: Building self-esteem in other areas of life can reduce the pressure they feel to seek approval through sexual intimacy. Encourage them to reflect on what they value about themselves apart from their sexual experiences.
8. Seek Patience and Compassion with the Process
Reconnecting with sexuality after being raised in purity culture is a process that takes time, patience, and self-compassion. Encourage the client to:
Go at their own pace: There’s no rush to figure everything out. It’s okay to take it slow and allow space for learning.
Be kind to themselves: If they struggle with old beliefs or feel confused during intimacy, remind them to be gentle with themselves. This is a journey of unlearning and relearning, and it’s natural to feel unsure along the way.
"Remember that sexual expression is a personal and evolving journey. What matters most is that it feels safe, enjoyable, and authentic to you—not what others expect or what old beliefs dictate."
Final Thoughts:
The goal for this client is to rebuild a healthy, safe, and enjoyable relationship with their body and sexuality. This involves healing the shame and guilt instilled by purity culture, reconnecting with the body, learning to communicate openly with their partner, and separating sex from a sense of approval. By embracing curiosity, patience, and self-compassion, they can begin to explore sexuality in a way that feels empowering and fulfilling on their own terms.
