Females With Autism
One of my closest friends told me yesterday that he thinks I’m autistic. I have wondered very briefly and superficially about this myself over the last 4 years, particularly as I found myself surrounded by and preferring the company of autistic people. But I went in to get diagnosed at Luminous Mind, supposedly a very progressive clinic, and the conversation about autism was very much “yeah, probably not”, with me echoing back, “yeah, probably not”. But I find myself thinking about it today. And the rule lately for myself is to not try to curate emotions or thoughts but witness them and process them when able.
In my search online, I found “Samantha Craft’s Females with Autism: An Unofficial List”. I’ve pasted it below and am gonna go through and highlight each one that I think applies to me. I am not asserting one thing or the other. In fact, I don’t really care about labels. However, I would like to understand my behavior and if it turns out that my behavior is coping mechanisms for undiagnosed childhood autism, then I would like to go ahead and re-appraised my entire life and adjust how I am living now.
As I have been thinking about this today, I noticed feeling excitement and relief at the possibility of taking on the label “autistic”. Now, even after going through this unofficial checklist, talking to a few of my close friends, it seems possible that I could legitimately land on the spectrum. However, I have little interest in paying money for yet another divergence test when I’m not sure that I am on board with the divergence narrative anyways. So more than anything, I want to gain some understanding of who I truly am, how I work, what motivates me, what feels right, what feels wrong. When I think of the label “autistic”, it somehow magically makes me feel valid. And I feel skeptical about that. But that’s why I started writing a list of why my brain thinks that if I were “autistic” that I would feel valid. And here they are:
Autism means permission to speak the truth.
Autism means permission to be annoyed by people for being dumb.
Autism means that people will know up front imma be weird.
Autism would mean that I make sense.
Autism means I don't have to pre-explain to people why I'll be doing X Y or Z
That all said, it doesn’t seem to me that I need to be autistic to get these kinds of existential validations. But I’ll come back to those thoughts another day. In the meantime, here' are my “test” answers.
Section A: Deep Thinkers
A deep thinker
A prolific writer drawn to poetry
*Highly intelligent
Sees things at multiple levels, including her own thinking processes
Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything, continually
Serious and matter-of-fact in nature
Doesn’t take things for granted
Doesn’t simplify
Everything is complex
Often gets lost in own thoughts and “checks out” (blank stare)
Section B: Innocent
Naïve
Honest
Experiences trouble with lying
Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty
Finds it difficult to understand vindictive behavior and retaliation
Easily fooled and conned
Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed
Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet
Feelings of isolation
Abused or taken advantage of as a child but didn’t think to tell anyone
Section C: Escape and Friendship
Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action
Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects
Escapes routinely through imagination, fantasy, and daydreaming
Escapes through mental processing
Escapes through the rhythm of words
Philosophizes, continually
Had imaginary friends in youth
Imitates people on television or in movies
Treated friends as “pawns” in youth; e.g., friends were “students” “consumers” “members”
Makes friends with older or younger females more so than friends her age (often in young adulthood)
Imitates friends or peers in style, dress, attitude, interests, and manner (sometimes speech)
Obsessively collects and organizes objects
Mastered imitation
Escapes by playing the same music over and over
Escapes through a relationship (imagined or real)
Numbers bring ease (could be numbers associated with patterns, calculations, lists, time and/or personification)
Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging
Escapes into other rooms at parties
Cannot relax or rest without many thoughts
Everything has a purpose
Section D: Comorbid Attributes
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Sensory Issues (sight, sound, texture, smells, taste) (might have Synthesia)
Generalized Anxiety
Sense of pending danger or doom
Feelings of polar extremes (depressed/over-joyed; inconsiderate/over-sensitive)
Poor muscle tone, double-jointed, and/or lack in coordination (may have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and/or Hypotonia and/or POTS syndrome)
Eating disorders, food obsessions, and/or worry about what is eaten
Irritable bowel and/or intestinal issues
Chronic fatigue and/or immune challenges
Misdiagnosed or diagnosed with a mental illness
Experiences multiple physical symptoms, perhaps labeled “hypochondriac”
Questions place in the world
Often drops small objects
Wonders who she is and what is expected of her
Searches for right and wrong
Since puberty has had bouts of depression (may have PMDD)
Flicks/rubs fingernails, picks scalp/skin, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, paces in circles, and/or clears throat often
Section E: Social Interaction
Friends have ended friendship suddenly (without female with AS understanding why) and/or difficult time making friends
Tendency to overshare
Spills intimate details to strangers
Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class
Little impulse control with speaking when younger
Monopolizes conversation at times
Brings subject back to self
Comes across at times as narcissistic and controlling (is not narcissistic)
Shares in order to reach out
Often sounds eager and over-zealous or apathetic and disinterested
Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside
Feels as if she is attempting to communicate “correctly”
Obsesses about the potentiality of a relationship with someone, particularly a love interest or feasible new friendship
Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, body stance, and posture in conversation
Conversation are often exhausting
Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually
Feels as if missing a conversation “gene” or thought-filter
Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people
Visualizes and practices how she will act around others
Practices/rehearses in mind what she will say to another before entering the room
Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others
Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells her what to say and how to act when in a social situation
Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, inappropriate, or different from others
As a child it was hard to know when it was her turn to talk
Finds norms of conversation confusing
Finds unwritten and unspoken rules difficult to grasp, remember, and apply
Section F: Finds Refuge when Alone
Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house but at the same time will often harbor guilt for “hibernating” and not doing “what everyone else is doing”
One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat (this can even be a familiar family member)
Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, but that doesn’t relieve the anxiety
Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar
Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up
All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think about
She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments, often days before a scheduled event
OCD tendencies when it comes to concepts of time, being on time, tracking time, recording time, and managing time (could be carried over to money, as well)
Questions next steps and movements, continually
Sometimes feels as if she is on stage being watched and/or a sense of always having to act out the “right” steps, even when she is home alone
Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk (CBT) doesn’t typically alleviate anxiety. CBT may cause increased feelings of inadequacy.
Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind
Requires a large amount of down time or alone time
Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest
Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms
Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, and/or crowded theater
Section G: Sensitive
Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep
Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort
Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature
Highly intuitive to others’ feelings
Highly empathetic, sometimes to the point of confusion
Takes criticism to heart
Longs to be seen, heard, and understood
Questions if she is a “normal” person
Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions
At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words
Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily, if not hourly
Becomes hurt when others question or doubt her work
Views many things as an extension of self
Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment
Dislikes words and events that hurt animals and people
Collects or rescues animals (often in childhood)
Huge compassion for suffering (sometimes for inanimate objects/personification)
Sensitive to substances (environmental toxins, foods, alcohol, medication, hormones, etc.)
Tries to help, offers unsolicited advice, or formalizes plans of action
Questions life purpose and how to be a “better” person
Seeks to understand abilities, skills, and/or gifts
Section H: Sense of Self
Feels trapped between wanting to be herself and wanting to fit in
Imitates others without realizing it
Suppresses true wishes (often in young adulthood)
Exhibits codependent behaviors (often in young adulthood)
Adapts self in order to avoid ridicule
Rejects social norms and/or questions social norms
Feelings of extreme isolation
Feeling good about self takes a lot of effort and work
Switches preferences based on environment and other people
Switches behavior based on environment and other people
Didn’t care about her hygiene, clothes, and appearance before teenage years and/or before someone else pointed these out to her
“Freaks out” but doesn’t know why until later
Young sounding voice
Trouble recognizing what she looks like and/or has occurrences of slight prosopagnosia (difficulty recognizing or remembering faces)
Feels significantly younger on the inside than on the outside (perpetually twelve)
Section I: Confusion
Had a hard time learning that others are not always honest
Feelings seem confusing, illogical, and unpredictable (self’s and others’)
Confuses appointment times, numbers, and/or dates
Expects that by acting a certain way certain results can be achieved, but realizes in dealing with emotions, those results don’t always manifest
Spoke frankly and literally in youth
Jokes go over the head
Confused when others ostracize, shun, belittle, trick, and betray
Trouble identifying feelings unless they are extreme
Trouble with emotions of hate and dislike
Feels sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt her
Personal feelings of anger, outrage, deep love, fear, giddiness, and anticipation seem to be easier to identify than emotions of joy, satisfaction, calmness, and serenity
Difficulty recognizing how extreme emotions (outrage, deep love) will affect her and challenges transferring what has been learned about emotions from one situation to the next
Situations and conversations sometimes perceived as black or white
The middle spectrum of outcomes, events, and emotions is sometimes overlooked or misunderstood (all or nothing mentality)
A small fight might signal the end of a relationship or collapse of world
A small compliment might boost her into a state of bliss
Section J: Words, Numbers, and Patterns
Likes to know word origins and/or origin of historical facts/root cause and foundation
Confused when there is more than one meaning (or spelling) to a word
High interest in songs and song lyrics
Notices patterns frequently
Remembers things in visual pictures
Remembers exact details about someone’s life
Has a remarkable memory for certain details
Writes or creates to relieve anxiety
Has certain “feelings” or emotions towards words and/or numbers
Words and/or numbers bring a sense of comfort and peace, akin to a friendship
(Optional) Executive Functioning & Motor Skills This area isn’t always as evident as other areas
Simple tasks can cause extreme hardship
Learning to drive a car or rounding the corner in a hallway can be troublesome
New places offer their own set of challenges
Anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse a sense of panic
The thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something can cause anxiety
Mundane tasks are avoided
Cleaning self and home may seem insurmountable
Many questions come to mind when setting about to do a task
Might leave the house with mismatched socks, shirt buttoned incorrectly, and/or have dyslexia and/or dysgraphia
A trip to the grocery store can be overwhelming
Trouble copying dance steps, aerobic moves, or direction in a sports gym class
Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are; not being able to locate something or thinking about locating something can cause feelings of intense anxiety (object permanence challenges), even with something as simple as opening an envelope
