Do You Always Need to Be Kind? Understanding Kindness, Boundaries, and Self-Compassion
Me: Do I need to be kind? It seems to be very trendy to tell everyone to be kind but I'm torn on it. I think you can be discerning. I have this pattern left from religion that I need to be loving and assume the best of everyone, not judge anyone, not show big anger or frustration. What can you speak to on this? Do I need to be kind?
Dr. Gpt: It’s totally understandable that you're torn about the concept of kindness, especially if it feels tied to your religious past and comes with expectations that don’t align with how you want to show up in the world. "Kindness" has become a kind of moral buzzword, and while it’s often presented as an ideal, it’s important to ask what it really means for you and whether it’s necessary or useful in every context.
Let’s break this down:
1. Kindness vs. Boundaries
Kindness is often conflated with being agreeable or non-confrontational, but in reality, kindness can coexist with setting firm boundaries, being honest, and standing up for yourself. True kindness doesn’t mean sacrificing your needs, bottling up your anger, or letting people take advantage of you.
There’s also a difference between being kind and being overly accommodating. If you’re left feeling like kindness requires you to be constantly loving, forgiving, and non-judgmental (as you described from your religious background), that’s not sustainable or even necessarily healthy. Being discerning, setting limits, and protecting your emotional space can actually be acts of kindness—toward yourself and others.
2. Kindness Isn't Always the Right Response
Not every situation calls for kindness. Sometimes, directness, anger, or firm boundaries are more appropriate responses. For example:
Injustice: If someone is being harmful or manipulative, kindness might look like calling them out or taking a strong stand, rather than trying to be soft or assume the best of them.
Self-Protection: If a person or situation threatens your well-being, kindness toward yourself might involve cutting that person off or being assertive, even if it feels harsh.
Kindness doesn’t require you to always be gentle or accommodating, especially if doing so means compromising your values or your emotional safety.
3. Kindness Without Suppressing Emotions
You mentioned the pattern of not showing anger or frustration and always assuming the best in people, which can feel like a kind of suppression. In reality, anger and frustration are natural emotions, and showing them doesn’t make you "unkind" or bad. In fact, expressing your emotions authentically can lead to healthier, more honest relationships.
Kindness doesn’t mean repressing or denying your true feelings. You can be kind and still express frustration or anger in ways that are healthy. There’s a huge difference between being kind and being a doormat or emotionally repressed.
4. Discernment Is Key
Discernment, as you mentioned, is important. Not everyone deserves your kindness, especially if they’re harmful, toxic, or draining. You have every right to be discerning about how you distribute your kindness. This includes recognizing when kindness might be enabling bad behavior or when someone is taking advantage of it.
Discernment also allows you to protect your energy and decide where kindness is meaningful and where it’s not productive. It’s okay to decide that some situations or people don’t deserve your kindness—especially if it comes at the cost of your own well-being.
5. Kindness vs. Niceness
Kindness and niceness aren’t the same thing. Being "nice" often means prioritizing other people’s comfort over your own truth, while "kindness" can mean being real, direct, and still maintaining a sense of respect. You can be kind while being brutally honest, setting boundaries, or even confronting someone when it’s necessary.
For example:
Being Nice: Smiling and nodding even when you’re uncomfortable or disagree, just to keep the peace.
Being Kind: Genuinely saying what you mean, even if it’s uncomfortable for others, but doing so with respect.
True kindness doesn’t have to be self-sacrificing or sugar-coated. It can involve hard truths and difficult emotions.
6. Kindness to Yourself
A big part of the conversation around kindness should include how you treat yourself. If kindness toward others is leaving you drained, resentful, or disconnected from your own needs, then that’s not real kindness—it’s self-abandonment. You need to be discerning with yourself as well, recognizing when kindness to others is coming at your own expense.
Sometimes, kindness to yourself means saying "no," expressing anger, or walking away from situations that don’t feel good. You don’t owe kindness to everyone, especially if it compromises your own well-being.
7. Cultural Trend of Kindness
You mentioned how kindness seems "trendy" right now, and that’s true—it’s often used as a universal moral ideal. But the reality is that kindness, as a concept, is highly contextual. Different situations call for different responses, and kindness doesn’t always look like being gentle or non-judgmental. There’s value in using discernment to determine when kindness is useful and when it’s more important to be firm, protective, or direct.
Do You Need to Be Kind?
The short answer is: no, you don’t need to be kind all the time, especially not at the cost of your boundaries, authenticity, or emotional health. Kindness, in its healthiest form, is about respect and care for others and yourself. It’s also a choice—one you can make depending on the situation, the people involved, and your own needs.
It’s okay to be discerning. It’s okay to show anger or frustration when it’s called for. And it’s okay to prioritize honesty, boundaries, or protection over being nice or universally kind.
