I am Real.

Today I did 2G by myself. It's the first time I've done a therapeutic dose since the first time ever in September 2020. It was after that trip that my internal world really got shook up. What was this? What was I experiencing? How did this make sense with my cynicism and skepticism?

In the last 2+ years, I've done a LOT of work although when it was happening, it felt more like my sense of self being pulled into a black void of doom.

But I've also built up some trust and faith in my self in that time.

A few days ago, I had a deep epiphany which helped me go MUCH deeper. That epiphany was simply: there is nothing wrong with me.

As the medicine started to kick in, I hid under a blanket, laying on the carpet, terrified of my own mind. Repeating to myself again and again: there is nothing wrong with you.

The mantra expanded and I began to repeat it over and over again over the next couple of hours:


I am real.

I have voices inside of my head.

But I am not crazy.

And there is nothing wrong with me.

And it's going to take some time and patience to really believe that.

Hang in there, Marie.

An experience like today really illustrates to me the depth of my psychological wounding from my experiences in Christianity (let alone any of the other many collective psychological frameworks we grow up swimming in). I can see why they call it waking up. I spent some time on the ground today, crying, weeping, "please, I don't want to wake up".

The vibrancy of my internal life clearly was overwhelming as I tried to survive the damage of childhood. Slowly but surely, I see myself releasing my position of cynicism and that I am finding a bottomless well of mystical companionship within my own Self.

I am real. I have voices inside my head. But I am not crazy. And there is nothing wrong with me.