I Journaled… Here It is

I don’t want to write.

But I’m chronically dissociating and I want to stop doing that.

So I need to be brave and compassionately compel myself to wake myself up and bring myself to the present moment.

What I’m learning happened to me and what I’m learning reality TRULY is is very upsetting to my sense of reality. And feeling that shakey sense of reality makes me feel like something is uniquely wrong with me, instead of that my mind is protecting itself as its sort of self shifts. Of course this is upsetting.

You (I) have not been stubborn or willful (DBT word) all these decades. I couldn’t have arrived to this truth about me sooner. I was trying to figure out what’s wrong with how I’m feeling bad all the time. But there were no resources on that and I was mentally conditioned to not relate to objective reality.

I wish everyone could free themselves of survival mode threats in their lives long enough to have the time to sit quietly and observe who they are as an experiencing awareness of both an external and internal world.

Religions shouldn’t be able to disagree with the science of humanity.

What is religion without power and control?

Is there an embodied experience of life that is so pure and so HERE with such a sense of awe, not for what you know intellectually about the world but for what you FEEL experientially in your body?

Do not underestimate the pain of burying your false sense of self. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 4 years. That said, this would have been a lot easier if it were mainstream knowledge (all that trauma stuff and the healing process and the disruption of developing a sense of self that isn’t innately protective) so that you wouldn’t be in existential terror as your sense of reality falls apart.

My eating disorder has kept my alive. It’s not about the food. It’s not even a disorder. Is it a disorder for an abandoned child to eat grass? Or is that how they survived, what with being abandoned? I don’t need more control over my health behaviors. Clearly, I’m more than capable in other areas of my life.

I’m so used to protecting my mind. It’s hard to open it again.

I feel like I keep my mind running like some people leave their TV on as company. It’s background noise.

My mind is trying to stay organized and manage all the stress of being a former religious mind with accumulating experiences and culture truths shifting as time goes by. It was getting to be too much for me and it just wasn’t stopping and I couldn’t keep up and the masking wasn’t working as well.

I’ve been gaslighting myself this whole time, shaking my head at myself saying, “… naaaaah,… I’m sure you’re fiiiiiiine,… we just need to try harder!…” I was more willing to do hard things years ago but these last 4 years have completely broken me and I just struggle to do any hard things… because it doesn’t stick… ever! Or it’s unpleasant and never gets better. I was getting worn down and it was getting too hard to pick myself up and try again to do hard things. My subconscious had become dangerous to me causing hyperawareness OCD.

I feel like I try to force a dialogue in my head because I didn’t realize that dialogue can happen involuntarily. Maybe that’s what I thought god was.

Love is a process, not a state.

I have learned that my mind/body can tolerate quite a lot of suffering without my conscious will being involved. I was thinking and feeling these things but didn’t think I could talk about it because people would think I’m crazy.

I’m not crazy.