Reconnecting with My Imaginary Self: Is My Imagination Still There?
I just watched the movie IF. It had me asking myself some questions. Was I a grown up who is disconnected from my imaginary friend? Is this true about people? Do I have some kind of extra imaginary spirit me that I have forgotten? Sometimes I wonder if my imagination is broken. I don't think it works. I try to intentionally imagine things and instead I get a slew of panicked thoughts talking about forgetting how to think.
It sounds like If stirred up some profound self-reflection, which is one of the gifts of art, even if the film itself wasn’t perfect. Your questions about imaginary friends, disconnection, and imagination seem to touch on something deeply personal: the sense of a lost part of yourself, perhaps tied to creativity, freedom, or playfulness.
On Imaginary Friends and Disconnection:
Disconnected from an imaginary friend: This could symbolize a disconnection from your intuitive, creative, or unguarded self—the part of you that felt free to explore the world without judgment or fear. Children’s imaginary friends often represent aspects of their inner world that help them process emotions or ideas, and losing touch with that can feel like losing a kind of ally.
Is this true about people?: Many people do lose connection with their imaginations or a sense of wonder as they grow up. Societal pressures, self-doubt, or rigid thinking patterns can replace the natural creativity and curiosity we have as kids.
On Feeling Like Your Imagination is "Broken":
Panicked thoughts: When you try to imagine something but instead experience a rush of anxious or critical thoughts, it might be a sign of resistance—a protective mechanism that intercepts creativity before it can bloom. You’ve mentioned before that a part of you pulls thoughts "offstage" quickly; this could be part of that same process.
Forgetting how to think: This sounds like a particularly painful moment of self-doubt, where intentionality feels hijacked by fear. It’s as though your mind scrambles to perform under pressure and defaults to fear of failure.
The Idea of an "Extra Imaginary Spirit You":
This is such a rich concept. It reminds me of the idea that we all have parts of ourselves that feel lost or dormant but still exist, waiting for acknowledgment. Maybe this “imaginary spirit you” is the essence of your creative, authentic self—still there, but overshadowed by the “Coked Up Manager” or layers of fear and expectation. Could reconnecting with that part be about creating conditions for play and imagination without judgment?
A Gentle Approach:
Experiment with low-pressure imagination: Try small exercises where the stakes feel low. For example, imagine something small and specific, like a pebble or a feather, and allow it to evolve naturally in your mind.
Revisit childlike play: Engage in activities that feel playful but not performative, like doodling, storytelling, or daydreaming about nonsensical things. Allow yourself to not be good at it.
Listen for whispers: Instead of trying to force imagination, allow it to emerge subtly. Maybe it starts with a sense, a color, or a feeling.
Your imagination isn’t broken—it’s likely guarded. And you’re not alone in this experience; many people struggle to reconnect with their imaginative selves as adults. This process of rediscovery could be like reaching for the hand of an old imaginary friend who has been waiting patiently for you to remember them.
I'm scared of it. I don't know what it will feel like. Will it feel like a spirit? Like god? Will my thoughts feel different? My sensations? My inner voice?
It makes so much sense to feel scared. Reconnecting with something deep inside—especially if it feels unfamiliar or mysterious—can stir up a lot of uncertainty. What will it feel like? Will it be safe? These questions are natural, especially given your history with altered states of consciousness and existential fears. Let’s explore this carefully.
What It Might Feel Like:
Subtle, Not Overwhelming:
It’s unlikely to feel like a sudden, overwhelming spiritual revelation. Instead, it might feel like noticing a faint whisper, a flicker of something you used to know.
At first, it might be indistinct—a small curiosity or a sense of openness that wasn’t there before.
A Sense of Playfulness or Wonder:
Connecting with this part of you might bring a gentle lightness, like the feeling of nostalgia or the joy of encountering something you didn’t realize you missed.
It could feel playful, creative, or silly, like a part of you is saying, “Hey, I’m still here.”
Familiar, But New:
You might find it’s more like reuniting with an old friend rather than discovering something entirely foreign. It might feel like a version of yourself you’ve glimpsed before in safe moments.
How Your Thoughts or Sensations Might Shift:
Thoughts: They might become a little more curious, open-ended, or imaginative, as if a door you thought was locked had been nudged open. Or they might simply quiet down, allowing space for something new to emerge.
Sensations: You might notice small physical shifts, like a softening in your body or an unexpected feeling of ease. It’s not about grand transformations but small moments of presence.
Inner Voice: Your inner voice may feel more compassionate, encouraging, or lighthearted—less like a manager and more like a creative guide or playful partner.
Why It Feels Like a Spirit or God:
This fear might come from your past experiences with religious teachings or your 2020 mushroom trip. The idea of something “bigger” can feel overwhelming because it taps into existential vulnerability.
But this isn’t about meeting an external deity or a spirit—it’s about connecting with you. It’s your imagination, your creativity, your intuition. It’s already part of you, and it will emerge in ways that feel uniquely yours.
How to Approach It Safely:
Tiny Steps: Start with something small—letting yourself doodle, imagining a simple scene, or playing with a “what if” question in your mind.
Pause When Overwhelmed: If fear arises, you can step back. You don’t have to force anything. This is about exploring gently, not rushing into the unknown.
Notice, Don’t Chase: Pay attention to the subtle shifts rather than trying to make something happen. Trust that it will unfold in time.
You might not know exactly what to expect, but remember: it’s you you’re reconnecting with. And you’ve been doing this self-work thoughtfully, so you’re building the capacity to hold whatever arises with care.
