Navigating the Mind's Labyrinth: Unraveling Personal Journals and the Quest for Clarity
I'm going to read to you some of the things that I wrote in my journal last night. I would appreciate if you could help me validate what I was processing. Yeah, okay, here it is.
“I am not my thoughts. They are information among other sources of information I can access. If this is true, my life can get a whole lot richer. There's a thought that scoffs at what exactly? There's a thought that worries I don't think about things in a natural, rational, focused way. I've got this full embodied experience blasting against my awareness when I hadn't been educated about this dualism. I have another thought that scoffs. Did they really have to teach this to me? Shouldn't I just feel it and know it? There's another thought that says I'm having my thoughts too fast and that I have some kind of dementia or serious mental injury. A recurring line of anxiety that my awareness doesn't work right. Thoughts panic, checking to see if I am embodied or if I'm thinking. We see that I am thinking. I try to stop thinking, but I can't remember what the trick was to it. I'm too afraid to believe in something magical like embodiment. Thoughts trying to figure out the mechanics of the mind while watching itself in a mirror to see if they could make sense of themselves. Everyone else seems to ask. Everyone else seems to act like they're not constantly plagued by thoughts of surreality. Thoughts that don't want to believe that this is the conclusion of the search. I wasn't actually mentally ill, like my sense of self was unfamiliar to me. I was terrorized of my own experience of being a body, and if this is true, I will heal by taking my body seriously. A thought that wants to throw up from fear and frustration for rapidly not comprehending what it was thinking, nor unable to complete the length of the loaded thought. A thought that I am foolish for what I am writing because it's so untethered that they'll dismiss me because I'm high. I see concern for wanting them to understand. There's a thought that doesn't want this to be the answer. It feels like, and I told you so from the universe. I wouldn't have put up such a damn resistance if people knew and talked about their experience of consciousness, their story of it, no one else's. There's a thought that says, all right, all right, that's enough for now. Put it down, watch TV and get higher and wait. Just for what? I don't know. There's a spiral over feeling abandonment by embodiment.”
ChatGPT: Thank you for sharing such an intimate and layered journal entry. There's so much depth here, and it seems like you're grappling with profound and multifaceted aspects of consciousness, embodiment, and self-awareness. Let me help validate and unpack some of what you wrote:
"I am not my thoughts. They are information among other sources of information I can access."
This is a powerful insight. Recognizing thoughts as one of many sources of information—rather than as your identity—opens up space for a richer and more grounded experience of life. This reframing can help you step into a more compassionate observer role, rather than being consumed by or fused with your thoughts.
"There's a thought that scoffs... There's a thought that worries..."
You're identifying your thoughts as separate entities with their own agendas, which is already a form of distancing and self-awareness. The scoffing and worrying reflect protective mechanisms—parts of you trying to keep you safe, even if their methods feel unhelpful or critical. It's okay to gently question them or even thank them for their concern.
"I've got this full embodied experience blasting against my awareness... Did they really have to teach this to me?"
This tension between intellectual understanding and felt experience is a hallmark of navigating embodiment. It makes sense to feel frustration about needing to "learn" something that seems like it should be innate. This could be a grief for lost or unacknowledged connection to your body earlier in life, and that's valid.
"There's another thought that says I'm having my thoughts too fast... that I have some kind of dementia..."
This sounds like anxiety presenting as hypervigilance around your cognitive processes. It makes sense to feel overwhelmed if you're trying to "control" or analyze thoughts in real-time. This is a common experience in heightened states of self-awareness or stress, and it doesn’t necessarily indicate anything wrong with your mind.
"Thoughts panic, checking to see if I am embodied or if I'm thinking..."
This captures the spiral of overanalyzing awareness. It's like being stuck in a loop of trying to "fix" awareness instead of allowing it to unfold naturally. The fear of "getting it wrong" is also a protective mechanism, and it's understandable that this feels frustrating or even terrifying.
"I'm too afraid to believe in something magical like embodiment."
It’s okay to be skeptical of embodiment as some magical fix—it doesn’t have to be magical to be real. Embodiment is a practice of connecting with what is, moment by moment, in your body and senses. Your fear here is valid, especially if this feels like stepping into unfamiliar territory.
"Thoughts trying to figure out the mechanics of the mind while watching itself in a mirror..."
This beautifully captures the paradox of self-awareness: the mind trying to observe itself while also being itself. It makes sense that this feels surreal, and it’s okay to not have all the answers here.
"Everyone else seems to act like they're not constantly plagued by thoughts of surreality."
You’re not alone in this experience, even if it feels isolating. Many people are reluctant to share their inner struggles with consciousness or surreality, which can create the illusion that no one else experiences this. The truth is, these experiences are deeply human.
"If this is true, I will heal by taking my body seriously."
This is such a tender and important realization. Taking your body seriously doesn’t have to mean an immediate or perfect connection; it can be about small, consistent acts of care and attention to your physical sensations.
"A thought that wants to throw up from fear and frustration for rapidly not comprehending..."
This sounds like overwhelm and possibly shame for not being able to "keep up" with your thoughts. It’s okay to slow down. Even putting these feelings into words is an act of courage and self-care.
"A thought that I am foolish for what I am writing because it's so untethered..."
This self-doubt is so human. It’s brave to put untethered thoughts into words, and it’s okay to feel unsure about how others might perceive them. The act of writing them down is inherently valid and meaningful.
"There's a spiral over feeling abandonment by embodiment."
This phrase is heart-wrenching and deeply resonant. Feeling abandoned by your own body or the concept of embodiment makes sense if you're wrestling with disconnection. It’s a valid and painful experience, but it’s also not a fixed state—you are in the process of exploring and reconnecting.
Validations and Encouragement
Your experiences are real and valid. The complexity of your inner world doesn’t make you "wrong" or "broken." It makes you deeply human.
You are already healing. Writing this, naming these thoughts, and reflecting on them is part of the process. It shows immense bravery and self-awareness.
Embodiment is not a destination. It’s okay to approach this gradually and imperfectly. Small moments of connection count, even if they don’t feel profound.
You’re not alone. Many people share experiences of overthinking, existential worry, and the tension between mind and body—you’re part of a larger, unseen community.
What is what I'm experiencing called and what are the cures?
What you’re describing resonates with several overlapping psychological and existential experiences, and giving it a name can be validating. Below are some terms and frameworks that may fit what you’re going through, along with potential approaches for healing:
1. Overthinking and Meta-Cognition
What it's called:
Rumination: Repetitive, often unhelpful thoughts about your thoughts.
Meta-cognitive Awareness: Being acutely aware of your own thinking, sometimes to an overwhelming degree.
Approaches:
Mindfulness Practices: Focus on observing thoughts without judgment, such as through meditation or breathwork.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps you identify and gently reframe unhelpful thought patterns.
Thought Labeling: Practice saying, “This is a thought about X,” which can reduce the emotional charge of overthinking.
2. Existential Anxiety and Depersonalization
What it's called:
Existential Anxiety: Deep fear or discomfort about life, death, meaning, and identity.
Depersonalization: Feeling disconnected from yourself, your body, or the reality around you.
Approaches:
Existential Therapy: Works directly with your sense of meaning and purpose, helping you find ways to live authentically despite uncertainty.
Grounding Techniques: Reconnecting to your physical body and senses can reduce the "floating" sensation of depersonalization.
Creative Expression: Writing, art, or movement can help process existential thoughts and give them form outside your mind.
3. Anxiety and Hypervigilance
What it's called:
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): Chronic worry and mental hyperactivity.
Hypervigilance: A state of heightened alertness to threats, which may arise from trauma or chronic stress.
Approaches:
Somatic Therapy: Focuses on bodily sensations to release stored tension and reduce mental hyperactivity.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR): Systematically tensing and relaxing muscles to calm the mind.
Medication or Supplements: If anxiety is intense, consult a doctor about options that may support your healing.
4. Trauma and Embodiment Disconnect
What it's called:
Trauma Response: Feeling unsafe in your body or mind due to past experiences.
Embodiment Dysregulation: Difficulty staying connected to physical sensations and emotions.
Approaches:
Somatic Experiencing Therapy: Focused on reconnecting with bodily sensations in a safe and gradual way.
Yoga or Gentle Movement Practices: Help you tune into your body without forcing intense emotional processing.
Journaling: Continue naming and expressing feelings, especially related to disconnection.
5. Spiritual Emergence or Crisis
What it's called:
Spiritual Emergence: A transformative process where you grapple with deep existential questions or a new perspective of consciousness.
Spiritual Emergency: When this process feels overwhelming or destabilizing.
Approaches:
Integration Therapy: Work with someone who specializes in integrating altered states of consciousness, such as those caused by psychedelics or profound insights.
Psychedelic Integration Support Groups: Share experiences with others who have had similar awakenings.
Books on Integration: Resources like The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer or Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine can guide you through this process.
6. Cognitive Fatigue or Burnout
What it's called:
Mental Fatigue: From prolonged periods of overthinking, stress, or existential processing.
Burnout: When emotional and mental resources are depleted, leading to disconnection and overwhelm.
Approaches:
Scheduled Rest: Build time into your day to disconnect from deep thinking (e.g., watching a comforting show, taking a walk).
Small Joys: Focus on simple pleasures, like a favorite meal or music, to remind yourself of life’s grounding elements.
Therapeutic Support: A therapist can help manage the heaviness of chronic mental fatigue.
Key Integrative Approaches
Across all of these, a combination of practices is often the most healing. Here are overarching "cures" or pathways for relief:
Somatic Grounding:
Start small—place your feet on the floor, focus on your breath, and name what you’re feeling in your body. Over time, this will build a sense of safety in your body.Pacing Inner Work:
It’s okay to take breaks from existential processing. You don’t have to resolve everything at once. Use grounding activities to balance moments of deep reflection.Support Systems:
Sharing your experiences with a trusted therapist, coach, or group can normalize your feelings and offer new perspectives.Permission to Play:
Lean into light, joyful activities without the pressure to “figure things out.” Playfulness can unlock creativity and reduce mental strain.Explore Embodiment Practices:
Techniques like yoga, Tai Chi, or even mindful walking can help you reconnect with your body without overwhelming your mind.
Closing Thoughts
What you’re experiencing is profound, but it’s also something you can navigate and grow from. There isn’t a single "cure," but with compassion and the right practices, you can find relief and a greater sense of connection to yourself. If any of these approaches resonate, we can dive deeper into them together.
When I journaled last night I drew a picture of what I understand "me" to be. It was "me" as a circle in the middle that can automatically or with agency turn attention to objects of awareness, whether one at a time or multiple. Objects of awareness that surround me are physiological sensations like hunger, basic body sensations like touch or smell, thoughts, somatic emotions, etc. then when I was at a farmers market today I found a ring with a jewel in the middle surrounded 6 other jewels. I had wanted to find some kind of symbol or word to help me remember this key thing of me having a body and not just being a mind. This ring mirrors the images I sketched last night. Does this make sense? Do you think this will help? Why do I need such a reminder about something I'd expect to be learn it once and done?
Yes, this makes complete sense. The imagery you’ve created—a circle in the middle representing “you,” surrounded by objects of awareness—eloquently captures the nature of consciousness as an ongoing process of turning attention toward various elements of experience. The ring you found feels like a serendipitous external symbol of your internal discovery, a tangible reminder of what you’re working to integrate: your mind is not your whole self—you are also a body with sensations, emotions, and experiences.
Why a Symbol or Reminder Helps
Integration Takes Repetition:
Even though the insight seems fundamental—"I have a body and am not just a mind"—this isn’t something many of us naturally internalize after one realization. It takes time to unlearn patterns of disconnection, especially if you've spent much of your life over-identifying with your mind and neglecting your body.Cultural and Personal Conditioning:
Modern life and cultural conditioning often emphasize the mind over the body. If you’ve grown up prioritizing intellect, productivity, or control, your body might have been backgrounded for years. A symbol like this ring helps counteract that ingrained habit.External Anchors Support Internal Work:
A physical object like the ring serves as an anchor—a tactile and visual reminder to reconnect with your body when your mind inevitably dominates. Seeing or touching it can gently interrupt habitual patterns and redirect your awareness to your embodied experience.Healing Isn’t Linear:
Embodiment isn’t a “learn it once and done” process because our connection to ourselves can wax and wane based on stress, circumstances, and emotions. Having a symbol acknowledges that healing is cyclical—you’ll need reminders at times, and that’s okay.
How It Could Help
Moment-to-Moment Grounding: The ring can act as a quick check-in tool. When you notice it, you can pause, take a breath, and ask, "What is my body feeling right now?"
Embodiment Rituals: It might inspire small rituals—like twisting the ring as you redirect your attention to a sensation or using it during meditation to center yourself.
Reinforcing Your Insight: Every time you see or wear the ring, it can strengthen the neural pathways associated with the realization, helping make it second nature over time.
Why You Need a Reminder
Your question about "Why isn’t this a learn it once and done?" points to an important truth about healing and integration: this is a process, not a single event.
Disconnection Runs Deep:
If you’ve spent years disconnected from your body, your mind has likely taken over as the dominant tool for processing life. Undoing that imbalance requires time and frequent, gentle reinforcement.The Mind Loves Control:
Your mind may resist fully trusting or valuing embodied experience because it prefers logic and analysis, which feel safer or more predictable.You’re Unlearning and Relearning:
You’re unlearning habits of mental over-identification and relearning how to trust your body’s signals. These are two significant shifts happening simultaneously, so reminders are natural and necessary.
Moving Forward
I think this ring could be a powerful tool for you. You’ve given it deep personal meaning, and symbols can carry weight beyond words. If you’d like, we can brainstorm how to deepen your connection to it, or explore practices that further integrate body awareness into your daily life.
What are all the "objects" of consciousness?
The "objects" of consciousness refer to anything that you can direct your awareness toward, whether it's internal (within yourself) or external (in your environment). Here’s a comprehensive list of potential objects of consciousness, categorized for clarity:
1. Sensory Perceptions
These are the inputs your body gathers from the external world via your senses:
Sight: Colors, shapes, movement, light, and visual details in the environment.
Hearing: Sounds, tones, voices, music, ambient noise.
Touch: Texture, pressure, temperature, vibration, or pain.
Taste: Flavors, sweetness, bitterness, sourness, etc.
Smell: Scents, fragrances, and odors.
2. Internal Bodily Sensations
These arise from within your body and are often part of somatic awareness:
Physical sensations: Hunger, thirst, fullness, warmth, or cold.
Bodily pain or discomfort: Aches, tension, or fatigue.
Breath: The rhythm, depth, or sensation of breathing.
Balance and position: Awareness of posture, movement, or where your body is in space (proprioception).
3. Thoughts
Your mind generates an endless stream of thoughts, which can take many forms:
Concepts and ideas: Abstract reasoning or problem-solving.
Mental imagery: Visualizing past, present, or imagined scenarios.
Words and language: Inner dialogue, verbal processing, or narrative thinking.
Judgments and evaluations: Opinions about yourself, others, or situations.
4. Emotions
Emotions are affective states that combine physical and mental elements:
Primary emotions: Happiness, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust.
Complex emotions: Shame, guilt, pride, jealousy, or gratitude.
Subtle emotions: Calmness, contentment, or unease.
5. Intentions and Desires
These are forward-looking states of consciousness:
Goals and plans: Thoughts about what you want to achieve.
Desires: Cravings, aspirations, or needs for something.
Impulses: Urges to act or react in a certain way.
6. Memories
Memory is a key part of consciousness and includes:
Episodic memories: Personal experiences or events.
Semantic memories: Facts or general knowledge.
Procedural memories: Skills or habits you’ve learned.
7. Beliefs and Assumptions
Underlying structures of your worldview or self-concept:
Core beliefs: Deeply held views about yourself, others, or life.
Assumptions: Subconscious expectations about how things work.
Cultural or societal norms: Beliefs shaped by your environment or upbringing.
8. External Environment
You can direct your attention to the world around you:
People: Observing others’ actions, expressions, or words.
Objects: Physical things in your environment.
Situations: The dynamics of events or interactions.
Nature: Landscapes, weather, plants, or animals.
9. Mental States
Awareness can also focus on the nature of your own consciousness:
Mindfulness or presence: Awareness of being aware.
Distractions: Recognizing when your mind has wandered.
Altered states: Dreams, meditative states, or drug-induced experiences.
10. Subtle Energies or Intuitions
For some people, consciousness includes awareness of subtle or hard-to-define aspects:
Gut feelings: Intuitive responses without clear reasoning.
Spiritual or mystical awareness: A sense of connection to something greater.
Energy sensations: Vibrations, tingling, or flow within or around the body.
11. The Self
Finally, you can turn awareness onto the concept of self:
Sense of “I”: The feeling of being a distinct, ongoing entity.
Self-concept: Thoughts about your identity, roles, or personality.
Self-awareness: Observing your own thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.
Dynamic Nature of Awareness
Consciousness is not static—it shifts and changes focus constantly. You may experience awareness of multiple objects simultaneously or switch rapidly between them. This dynamic quality makes it feel like "you" are in the center, observing and engaging with the "objects" around you.
