Oh, shit. Parts.
Disclaimer & Context: My March goal is to write in my blog around 5x a week. The goal of this challenge is to work on my conversion process of idea to blog. So it’s important you and I both know I’m not specifically trying to make these posts 100% true, educational, or helpful to you at all. If it’s any of that: frosting.
Selfie 3/7/2022; I wonder which Part this is?
I have a big epiphany to unpack today.
First of all, one disclaimer to give is that the way I understand my subjective nature is metaphorically a sandbox. My blogs about it are meant as an artistic placeholder as I try to blindly feel my way around inside my mind. I use metaphor but I use it knowingly and for the purpose of a completely fabricated but helpful way to talk about it and engage with it.
So, that said, as my awakening progresses, I realize that my mind has always been a personal hell. I don’t say that hyperbolically nor do I say it literally but it’s also kind of both. My brain LOVES context; the higher the context the better I feel organized. Since I left my Christian worldview, I have lacked context for 1) everything and 2) me. What is going on here in this universe and what is going on here in my mind?
I had no education (or wasn’t able to grasp) around how to navigate the mind. The spiritual community I was a part of had their proposal for how things worked and that involved an abusive imagined god person who is in my head but also not really but also his evil friend is also there and you kind of have to go around like a sleep-deprived, starving hunter, trying to make the connection. I don’t know if that metaphor made sense, but we’re moving on.
It’s like being taught as a child by your community how to ignore your hunger or being taught deliberately how to misinterpret its signals and intentions. That would be inhumane. In the same way, I think what we’re doing to our humans by not giving them basic information about how to orient themselves within their mind is inhumane. I cannot exaggerate how much it’s nearly killed me or at the very least has ruined my life.
Now that I’m more oriented, I see what a basic human right mind orientation education should be. And I also see why it’s not. It’s very empowering and freeing. Freed from social norms that conflict with what you actually want. Free from shame. Free from spiraling thought loops. Free from lots of shit. Again, I’m exaggerating, I know, but it comes from the passion I am feeling.
Anyways, my background means that I am very averse to using metaphor to describe my subjective self. I did that with god and that was AWFUL. I demand that I speak as materially and as observationally as possible about subjectiveness. Which is why it makes sense that I’ve never really gotten too deeply into the Internal Family Systems or Parts work. These are creative ways of mapping the subjective nature of the mind so that you can become familiar with recurring characters, identify their presence, and in that way remember who YOU are. I understand that NOW, but I didn’t as of yesterday.
As of yesterday I thought it was a bunch of crap (at least for me) to name your thoughts. It felt silly. It just… I don’t know what else to say. I couldn’t fathom why I would go and dumb down something so complex as the subjective nature of the mind into human stories. Seemed lazy. Like how religion feels to me. It feels lazy. You could be more specific, y’know?
But last night, I was thinking about my mind and about how I am always thinking. Again, not being euphemistic or exaggerating here: I literally do think all of the time. And if it’s true that inner peace, or “me”ness, or consciousness, or choice, or whatever you want to call is underneath all these thoughts, then how will I ever access that if I don’t figure out how to turn down the thoughts?
So I began to watch my mind with a curiosity intent on organization. I didn’t need to code every single thought and specifically what it was saying, but generalize it backwards into a construct that I could assign some enduring qualities to. For example, I often spend a lot of time noticing a thought grouping that is concerned with philosophizing, contemplating, trying out different perspectives, experiments with unfolding them. It’s a fun state of mind to be in and it’s a thought grouping of mind that I’m very delighted by. And I thought, huh,… I could see how this kind of thought grouping could be described as a detective. And not just a detective, but … Detective All-Nighter. Passionate. Insomniac. Obsessed with the puzzle. After noticing that thought grouping, I noticed another thought/feeling grouping that freaks out, catastrophizes, runs all kinds of scenarios frantically after noticing something small, like, that my finger is stiff… This part tells me I am beginning to develop arthritis, that I won’t be able to do my job (typing) anymore, that I won’t be able to do anything on my own anymore and will be dependent on other people and that is absolutely intolerable. This catastrophizing/hypochondriac part is categorizable.
So I sat there, noticing my thought groupings and began to describe them and see how they could be referenced, managed, and addressed through a completely made-up “Parts” mind-map. I did not need to feel like multiple people. It’s just having a few highlighters on hand so I can figure out where I am in this book and can orient myself by mind state. It’s deliberately playful and completely made-up and it helps like crazy. It also allowed me to decide which parts I FEEL are “me”, meaning the parts I feel are organic, feel like home, feel safe, feel like they come from a pure place, feel grounded, feel unfiltered and loving. And again, it’s not so much about using that to say that Detective All-Night ISN’T me. Technically, “he” is. He’s just a symbol for a recurring group of thought patterns that I experience day-to-day. But I experience it more as a process I can be in versus a default essence state that I am (“me”-ness). It’s complicated to talk about but I’m chill with trying to describe it anyways.
So last night and today and probably for a while in the future, I’m going to start playing this Parts game. Getting familiar with the recurring “characters” that are experienced in my mind so I can find out where I am and how to manage the concerns and energies of these various mind states/characters. Wanna meet some of the people I’ve identified? Keep in mind, if you’re going to do this, too, you’ll need to personalize it. Assigned personal meaning is essential. If I teach myself how to identify “Others”, it will be easier to find “Me”.
Zach Stone: fantasizes about something I do or say going viral and gaining a bunch of fame and attention. Named after the character from the TV show who wants desperately to be famous and is intolerable.
Emily M.: the one that humiliates me immediately after I've said something I meant to be humorous. Or humiliates me if I feel like I didn’t convince someone of something. An immediate doubt that permeates my sense of being confident, coherent, and having valid thoughts and opinions. Named after someone I knew in high school.
John Ralphio: the part that immediately tries to grab my ideas and run them over to Press. Imagines what to say in front of people to explain this idea. Lots of urgent, impulsive, enthusiastic energy.
Lawyer: spends time imagining what they'd say if attacked this way or the other. Rehearses their argument righteously.
Susan: the anxious spike of anxiety/urgency after having an idea, thought, memory, epiphany, reminder, to get it written down or handled immediately before we forget. Hyper organized. Very vigilant. Always scanning to see what I’ve missed, what I’m supposed to be doing. I see it like a neurotic assistant.
Alec Baldwin: talks shit about me and my efforts.
Rabbit: haunts me all the time, nervous, telling me time is running out, I've lost track of time, I'm not getting enough done, I'm going to suffer a profound loss, and will suffer and be humiliated.
TBD: The one that pushes against internal prompts to do the next thing. Pouts. Tantrums. Anchors into where we physically are or what we’re doing in the moment (usually something distracting).
Marie: Makes friendly, interested conversation with myself, validating, providing personal insight and encouragement. Experiences an external yet internal delight at myself. Loves to linger in awe over epiphanies.
Editor: goes back and reread my texts, others’ texts, emails, or even my blog posts or podcast episodes, to replay what I said, re-imagining how they might have received it, whether I wrote it well, or maybe even lingering on enjoying what I wrote.
Sensitive Teenager: imagines all things are a personal offense to her. She is behind the jealousy and insecurity I feel in relationships. When she’s insecure, she lashes out with anger and accusations (internally felt; not outwardly expressed… at least for me)
Peter Pan: terrified to grow old, distrusting of adults
Dj: spins music for me; not a great listener
Richard Dawkins: That part of me that humiliates me when I get too excited or enthusiastic. Wants me to be more stoic. To calm down. Says you're getting silly and zealous. Says my energy and intensity are blinding me and compromising my ability to stay skeptical. Last time we did that, we got into a pretend relationship with a pretend spirit which led to all kinds of weird-ass decisions.
Well, that’s as much as I know so far. This will evolve. That’s literally its purpose. So for now, this is just illustrative. I’ll be continuing to work on my mind map. Tell me if you’ve done something similar and what kinds of characters you’ve written up for your synaptical groupings.
