Reclaiming Intimacy: Embracing Sexuality After Overcoming Shame
So, I'm currently on a break from having sex with my partner and it had a lot to do with being taught a lot of messages about shame and sexuality growing up, and I became aware of those recently, but I didn't understand exactly what was going on, and so I just had to pause sex, because I realized that I was doing sex out of performance and experiencing shame and obsessive thoughts the entire time I was doing it, and now I want to retry to engage with it, and I told my partner that I'm interested in having sex on Friday. I don't really want to give him any particular instructions, I would just like to decide what kind of mindset and focus I want to have during this time, like how far do I want to go, how will I know when to stop, that sort of thing.
It sounds like you’re approaching this with a lot of thoughtfulness, and that’s a really strong foundation for re-engaging with sex in a way that feels safe and aligned with your needs. To prepare your mindset and focus, here are some considerations and steps to help you navigate this experience:
1. Clarify Your Intentions
What do you want to explore? Focus on what feels intriguing or comfortable for you. Is it about connecting emotionally, experiencing pleasure, or seeing how your body responds without judgment?
What is your goal? Your goal doesn’t have to be orgasm or even penetration. It could be as simple as enjoying touch, being present, or noticing what feels good without judgment.
2. Set Personal Boundaries
Decide ahead of time how far you’re comfortable going (e.g., touching, kissing, undressing). You can always change your mind in the moment, but having a baseline will help reduce overthinking.
Think about signals that will let you know when to stop. These could be physical (e.g., tension in your body) or emotional (e.g., feeling overwhelmed or detached).
3. Communicate Your Approach to Adam
You don’t need to give detailed instructions, but consider telling him that you’re focusing on your experience and may want to go slowly or pause to check in with yourself.
For example, you could say: “I’m exploring what feels good for me, and I might take a moment here and there to figure that out. Just follow my lead.”
4. Create a Comfortable Space
Consider setting up an environment where you feel relaxed and safe (e.g., dim lighting, comfortable textures, calming music). A warm, soothing space can help you stay connected to the moment.
5. Adopt a Mindset of Curiosity
Approach the experience with curiosity rather than performance. Instead of asking yourself, “Am I doing this right?” you can ask, “How does this feel right now?”
Remind yourself that there’s no right or wrong way to experience this.
6. Focus on Your Body
You might try checking in with your body throughout. For instance, periodically pause and notice your breathing, the sensation of touch, or your emotional state. This can help you stay present and reduce obsessive thoughts.
7. Plan for Reflection
Give yourself space afterward to reflect, journal, or even discuss with Adam what felt good and what didn’t. This can help you refine your approach for the future.
8. Have a Stop Signal
If at any point you feel overwhelmed, you can have a stop signal (a word or gesture) to pause without needing to explain in the moment. You can always resume or take a break.
Can you provide any more specific instructions that might apply to somebody who is recovering from hyper-awareness OCD stemmed from religious trauma?
For someone recovering from hyper-awareness OCD and religious trauma, particularly regarding sexuality, the key is to gently counteract overthinking and performance-based narratives with intentional focus on presence, acceptance, and safety. Here are more specific suggestions tailored to your experience:
1. Ground Yourself Beforehand
Before engaging, try a grounding practice to calm your nervous system. This could include:
Breathwork: Take a few slow, deep breaths, focusing on the sensation of the air entering and leaving your body.
Body Scan: Notice areas of tension or discomfort in your body and gently relax them, without judgment.
Self-Compassion Statement: Remind yourself, “It’s okay to feel what I feel. I am allowed to go at my own pace.”
2. Set an Intention for the Experience
Create an intention that focuses on the present moment, not an end goal. For example:
“I want to focus on sensations, not thoughts.”
“I will let my body guide me, moment by moment.”
“I will honor what feels right for me without judgment.”
An intention can help interrupt obsessive mental loops by redirecting your attention to what you value in the experience.
3. Deconstruct Shame Narratives
If intrusive thoughts or feelings of shame arise, gently label them as “old stories” and let them pass. For example:
When you notice a shame-based thought (e.g., “This is wrong,” or “I’m doing this for him”), you could internally say, “This is the voice of the past. It doesn’t control me now.”
4. Engage with Your Senses
Hyper-awareness OCD can trap you in your thoughts, so grounding yourself in physical sensations is essential:
Focus on a single sense at a time: the texture of skin, the sound of breathing, the warmth of touch.
If your mind wanders into analysis, gently bring it back to a physical sensation by silently narrating what you feel (e.g., “I feel warmth on my skin.”).
5. Invite Playfulness
Reframe the experience as play rather than a performance. This could mean:
Experimenting with light, non-sexual touch first to explore what feels good without pressure.
Laughing or pausing when things feel awkward, giving yourself permission to enjoy the moment rather than “get it right.”
6. Create Permission to Pause
Recognize that it’s okay to pause or stop if something feels overwhelming. This permission can reduce the pressure to “push through” discomfort. You might:
Tell yourself: “Pausing is a strength, not a failure.”
Let Adam know beforehand that pausing might be part of the process so you feel supported.
7. Recognize Intrusive Thoughts as OCD, Not Truth
If obsessive thoughts arise (e.g., “Am I doing this right?” “Is this sinful?”), you can:
Label them as OCD thoughts, not reflections of reality (e.g., “That’s just my OCD voice. I don’t need to engage with it.”).
Redirect your attention to your senses, breath, or a calming mantra.
8. Use Gentle Self-Talk
Instead of fighting intrusive thoughts or shaming yourself for having them, respond kindly. For example:
“It’s okay that I feel this way. I’m learning.”
“This is a new experience, and I’m allowed to take it slow.”
9. Normalize Imperfection
Recovering from hyper-awareness OCD means letting go of perfectionism. Remind yourself:
“This experience doesn’t need to be perfect. It’s about learning and connecting.”
“There is no ‘right’ way to do this.”
10. Post-Experience Reflection
Afterward, instead of analyzing whether it was “successful,” focus on what you learned and what felt good:
What did I enjoy?
What felt safe and grounding?
What would I like to try next time?
11. Leverage Safe Words or Signals
Having a pre-agreed word or signal to pause can give you confidence that you can step back whenever needed without needing to explain.
12. Consider Affirming Touch
If you struggle to stay present, try a grounding touch (e.g., placing a hand on your heart or belly) to reconnect with your body during the experience. You might even ask Adam to gently do the same.
