Rest, Coked Up Manager

Mental health has been all kinds of fucked lately so I found myself trying to do a deep dive journaling session last night. I won’t share all of it with you since some of it is private. But here’s what I will share.

“March 18, 2024…

I feel crazy. Thoughts are making me crazy. I took too much Adderall today. I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I didn’t have a robust breakfast. I had my 2nd interview for the other part-time job and came out on the call as a cult survivor and non-monogamist. I got the job offer.

I started making tons of changes to my calendar immediately. Feeling trapped, though, looking at my schedule and how much time is now spoken for.

I returned to improv today and really struggled. Kept freaking out that I couldn’t just occupy the space in my head. Felt super trapped, performing, and fundamentally alone.

I am anxious about burning out and getting in trouble at work. Or worse, not, but still being afraid that I will be all the time. Like, that I’ll get caught. I see myself struggling, performing, freezing, ruminating about seemingly everything and it sends me into despair about what the fuck has happened to me?? Am I still alive as a person or have I been taken over by some kind of trauma-personality parasite?

I need to stop hustling so hard. I have set myself up with a life I can rest in finally. Ease at work. Ease in relationships. Ease in finances. Better equipped to handle any surprises.

How do I get myself to believe I’m now making enough money? That I’m safe and loved? That I can slow down and handle one thing at a time? That there are no more fires to put out? Can I remember how to rest? I’m so used to being guarded. I keep wanting to check my phone to connect with someone but it doesn’t help in situations like these. There’s nothing anyone else can say to me that will reassure me. Why doesn’t my imagination work in improv? I can’t think of a single concept or even pretend. Why do I feel so uncomfortable around men? Why is it such a struggle for me to have mental coherency? Why can’t I talk to myself? Why do I not believe my partner’s supportive language to me? Why am I still holding back with my parents? Why is it so hard for me to understand myself as pure awareness? What part of this am I struggling with so much? I just want to be here. But it’s like I have to not try to want that or I won’t have it. Is this back to hyperawareness OCD? Seems so. I haven’t known what to do other than avoid non-urgent work and take deep exhales when it gets really bad. I have the urge to die. All those values on the whiteboard that I wrote seem pointless and dead now. I’m not trying to be a dick or a critic or a prosecutor to myself!… I’m just really confused, frustrated, and scared. My ongoing struggle to feel better makes me apt to blame myself that I must be doing something wrong. I’m also anxious about how I’ll work for my two jobs at the same time. When I explained my personal work standards and boundaries to the new employer, they were very okay with it. But my body doesn’t believe that’s true, and I haven’t even started the job yet.

How do I change? Also, how do I give myself permission to rest now? Don’t need to job hunt, create a podcast, write a blog, feel financial pressure… don’t need to figure out my next home situation or how I’ll afford it. Don’t need to create my own mental health recovery curriculum. Coked Up Manager (the hustling part of me) has achieved a lot in 5 years (and beyond) since I quit full-time work. This stage of my life is a whole new “neighborhood” (as my improv buddy put it). I needed Coked Up Manager because I lost work and money as a source of stability, purpose/meaning, community, identity, value, and ritual. I never seriously thought I could get anything like what I’m about to have (full-time, remote work with humanistic employers). I’ve always had to be on-site. On time. Commute (in all weather). Professionally dressed. Good attitude. Drink the mission kool-aid. Represent the company. Be emotionally available. Visually available. Get permission and plan coverage for time off. I remember even then I wanted to work remotely. I felt so stuck. I felt like my career but it felt like a daily performance and a parade.

I feel like I went on medical leave from my last full-time job in the same mental state that I left Christianity in. Hard to put into words, but profound sense of being trapped and needing to get away. I felt so guilty taking leave from work. It didn’t match the performance I brought to work to just disappear and not talk about it. I thought I hated admin work. But I think I hate most things when I’m feeling unsafe. So I wonder if I can really be happy working 40 hours remotely. I think I can but it’s going to require a huge shift in how I approach life.

I am safe in these two jobs. I am not a petulant child who they’ll relieve from employment if I make one mistake or show humanity. How can I convince myself, though, that it’s okay to work slowly? To live slowly?

Coked Up Manager energy has accomplished A LOT. I made myself a public speaker. I made $85K on a house sale. I found meaningful things to do during COVID. I moved myself alone to where I live now. I set up an office for myself. I lived on a very tight budget for two years and never dipped into savings. I was frugal as fuck. I deprived myself of a lot. I pushed myself to do hard things that I believed would be good for me. I worked for Cass, Dave, Marlene, and Steve. I got invited onto a bunch of podcasts. I started my own coaching business and have been running two support groups and have done workshops. I handled a layoff and being unemployed for three months. I have kept myself from killing myself when I have felt profoundly insane for extended periods of time (particularly integrating my shrooms trip of 2020). I’ve pushed myself to develop greater awareness of myself and share more of myself with others, creating truly vulnerable relationships. I rescued Maxie (cat) and helped his nervous system heal (he’s cuddling next to me now). I did the work to repair relationships with partner and meta. My heard drive exploded and I’ve done the work to restore, reorganized, and back it up again. I signed up for a gym membership to help me care for my body pain and become stronger. I did chiropractic, acupuncture, and massage regularly to help my body pain. I’ve been cooking semi-regularly. I’ve volunteered for my new neighborhood as a photographer. I’ve been doing therapy twice a week for a year. I’ve been getting coaching from my friend Emily on nervous system regulation. I survived those first dark months living alone for the first time where the voices in my head were absolutely terrifying. I’ve been a great friend to my friends as they’ve gone through their shit. I’ve helped create community through heart friends. I started to work on identifying my values with Emily. I started on Buspar and stuck with it and it is helping. I’ve cut down on cannabis use. I had very real conversations with my Chicago partner about my sexual trauma. My car was stolen last fall and I got a replacement car with no debt and learned how to maintain it. I’ve worked hard to pick myself back up after every binge. I’ve returned to Zumba. I’ve initiated ongoing visits with my mom, Joel, and Josh. I helped a lot of people in coaching and support groups to accept themselves and be effective in their relationships. I still pushed myself to make art now and then. I’ve been doing a ton of inner work despite everything about the trauma recovery process being triggering of my religious trauma protective system. I’ve gained a better understanding of the nature of my trauma (and trauma in general). I found a place to live last summer while in full blown meltdown mode. I have been prioritizing caring for my pain. I journal daily. I learned about the shadowy parts of my mind and seek to know it. I am learning how to unmask. I am learning how to not feel afraid of other people. I’m learning that human minds are fundamentally archetypally similar. I’ve reframed so much of what I knew about humans, society, nature, emotions, and meaning. But this is a new chapter. The emergencies are over. I am safe. I don’t need to mask anymore. I can and need to slow down, finally. Good work, my good and faithful Coked Up Manager servant. You kept us alive and got us the resources we needed to get to this point. You can rest. We need to slow down. We can let go of the hypervigilance and survival mode. We have created the safety to let go, be ourselves, and walk ourselves through our life. Slow down. Enjoy the ride.”