Rosie Needs a Nap
I am constantly surprised at my mind’s ability to have new shit to write about every morning. I had no idea I was such a writer and had such a colorful mind. Just taking a moment to delight in that!
Oh, hey, as long as I’m completely off topic, now seems like a good moment to mention that I made some fixes to my mailing list sign-up thingy so that you can subscribe to weekly alerts or daily alerts for my blog as well as some other settings. Check it out!
Back to the blog, though, for reals.
Ok, so yesterday, I talked about my Ambition Gremlin. This is getting into Parts theory, the metaphorical way of describing the seemingly distinct “parts” of your inner world. I appreciate how Human Resources (Netflix) does it and am gladly tapping into their pre-made world to help me. In watching the show, I determined that what’s been going on with me is that I don’t have a LoveBug. In fact, through all of my experiences, it very well may have transformed into a HateWorm that directs its anger towards me or others upon whom I am projecting a substantial part of my Self-esteem. So someone had to take over my psyche, right? But who? Mostly,… Ambition Gremlin. Ambition Gremlin with the help of Rock Monster (logic), Anxiety Mosquito, and Shame Wizard essentially is my inner world and my “Self”. I constantly feel in an internal state of fight/flight/freeze/fawn. It’s why I don’t hang out in there very often.
In my discussion with my ADHD coach, Tracy Winter, yesterday, I found myself describing the experience of going inward as confronting a gigantic monster turtle who just screams (physiologically and cognitively) at me, “FUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU”. It’s not a great experience. So perhaps folx can imagine why I am so burnt out and gaslit after (professionally) trying to find some peace since 2004 and running into people who were just telling me “just notice”. OK. Just notice. Just sit there and just notice this fucking turtle who fucking hates me. This is not a thing that is reasonable to ask people to do yet people give this advice out like candy. But on my call with Tracy yesterday, when I shared this resistance and fear to choosing to be mindful of that inner world, she totally backed off. Didn’t suggest I “just notice that, too.” It was like I am right. Like my psyche is not a safe place to be. It’s like,… that’s why I don’t go there. It’s like… a deep part of me “knows” what it’s doing. Stay away from the angry turtle. Let it do what it wants. And let’s just stay busy doing “life”, hoping that some day the turtle might chill out… ?
Anyways, in talking to Tracy, I felt exasperated. Every time I try to turn inward and be present with this turtle monster, it’s completely unsafe because I’ve got NOTHING to give it. The few skills I’ve picked up are like darts. Darts for a giant monster turtle battle. It doesn’t cut it. Tracy paused and asked, “OK, but what DO you have to offer it?” I hated the question because she was forcing me to think positively. But I tried anyways. And what do you know, I came up with two things. I can offer the monster turtle two promises:
1: I will never, ever, ever, ever give up on you. I have been subconsciously and consciously aware of the profundity of my psychic pain for a long time and I have taken step after step after step after step to pursue ways that I thought might help. Sometimes that was religion. Sometimes that was romantic partners. Sometimes it was therapy. Sometimes it was essential oils and chanting. But I will never give up. Moreover, saying this is true about me is easy to do because it’s a trait that is objectively true about me. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not give up on myself. I never have. I never will. No matter how much the turtle screams and hits. Back in 2013, I was suicidal and got treatment. It was there that I decided that I would not ever kill myself because I know how that story ends. It’s already written. You die. No more opportunities to see what else might come from this life trip. And so it was then that I chose to live. No matter what happened. I would live. And I think that’s why I push self-growth so damn hard (and why many people have expressed that I am “driven” and “hard on myself”). It’s because I’ve been living in hell my whole life. Of course I’m going to ceaselessly try to resolve this. I will not give up. Not now. Not when things are starting to finally make more sense. I feel some clarity starting to crystalize in my mind and I am not checking out now.
2: I have endless ideas to try. I am a very creative and adaptive person. I have been running around on this planet for decades living in a hellish mind yet consistently trying new things to try to help myself move “forward”, wherever that is. In this awakening moment, it’s so incredibly easy for me to see how fucking brilliant I am after all these years of unknowingly doing trial and error in the midst of a hellish life. I can’t even tell you how proud I am for being so inherently brave and relentless. And it is those very characteristics that I’ve had to rely on that I am aware shouldn’t be in control anymore.
So my Ambition Gremlin needs a nap. Needs to go on FMLA. Maternity leave. Whatever. It needs to rest. This taps into a bit of what I wrote in the post about Maternity Leave. But also, this morning, I thought of something else…
When Keith and I lived in our previous home, we fostered about a total of 50 kittens over a period of 3 years. Some were already socialized, some weren’t. Those that weren’t, when we got them, they would hide under the dresser in the foster room whenever we came into the room. So we naturally began a healing process with them. What we had to do was essentially use food as bait. Make sure they can’t snack all day so that when you feed them, they’re hungry and are motivated. You bring the dish close to them and then you step away and sit on the other side of the room. I would often bring my knitting down with me, or a book. And I would just sit quietly by myself doing this quiet activity. I didn’t expect anything from the kittens. I didn’t try to pet them. I didn’t try to play with them. I didn’t engage with them at all. At this point in their socialization, the goal is to just consistently show yourself to be a loving, non-threatening presence. Eventually you start moving the food bowl closer to you so they get used to coming out closer to your presence, eating cautiously, and then going back to hide. Then, I would start to through the lose end of yard out on the ground, 4 feet away from me, and then slowly drag it back towards myself. The kittens would watch scared, at first, but over time, their fear reduced as I consistently showed myself to be a loving, non-threatening presence that asked nothing of them and didn’t overstep their boundaries or fears. Eventually the kittens would start to bat at the yarn, running back to hide after the first fight, but then eventually fighting longer and fighting closer to me. Eventually, I would be able to reach out my hand closer, and closer, until they didn’t flinch. The moment when I first pet the fur of an unsocialized kitten and hear them purr is one I can feel deep inside me.
So how is this relevant? Well, maybe you’re already intuiting where I’m going. But I fused this experience with foster kittens and the metaphor I’ve been using for this traumatized, coked up monster Turtle in my head and had a few ideas.
I wonder if, for now, my contemplation/meditation/mindfulness practices that I do every day might be seen from the frame of foster kitten socialization time. That means that I’m not there to try to control my mind. I’m not trying to pet the cat. I’m not trying to get anything FROM the cat. I’m not judging the cat. I’m not ignoring the cat. I’m doing fuck all. In fact, I brought my knitting, didn’t I? Because at this stage, the cat is unreasonable and traumatized. Not much can be done behaviorally with its nervous system all wratched up. So all I do during this period is just be a consistent, non-threatening, and loving presence. So I can sit there meditating and instead of TRYING anything (noticing, being compassionate, focusing, whatever), I don’t do anything. I don’t try anything. My job right now, I think, is just to show up. It goes against what I think I understand fro my teachings in meditation, because they want you to notice. But I think I’m not even ready to notice. I think I just need to show up and keep my hands off the angry turtle. Many young visitors to our house when we had undersocialized kittens learned very quickly that if you reach out to the kitten too soon, YOU GONNA GET CUT.
So where’s LoveBug in all of this? You know, the “Part” of me that is trying to stage a diplomatic takeover of Marie, Inc. I honestly don’t sense her. However, I know that the strategies and insight I’m experiencing are submitted by her. And I think once we get coked up Turtle Monster calmed down, we can all have a better discussion and move forward. I’m just going to keep feeding my Turtle Monster, showing up, and hold back from trying to engage with it in any other way than just being present. Not even mindful. Just present.
Lastly, all of this got me thinking about a couple of verses in the Bible that I resonate with, so long as I rephrase them (changing “love” to “I” and some other creative liberties):
I am patient.
I am kind.
I do not envy (desire something from someone else that isn’t mine, like control of my Ambition Gremlin)
I do not boast (try to get attention from someone else in order to feel better about myself)
I am not proud (highly identified with my “identity”)
I do not dishonor others (don’t touch traumatized kitties who don’t want it)
I am not self-seeking (I’m not in the foster room for my health; I’m there for love)
I am not easily angered (I am aware of the pain in all of us and it drives me to compassion, not anger)
I keep no record of wrongs (I know people are changing, growing, improving, and that I am the caretaker of ME)
I do not delight in evil (I don’t prioritize myself over others; nor others over myself)
But I rejoice with the truth (my organic joy comes from full acceptance of myself, others, and existence)
I always protect (me)
I always trust (me)
I always hope (in me)
I always persevere (for me)
I never fail (there’s no such thing in love)
Prophecies will cease (I am not fixated and anxious about the future)
Talking will end (my chatter will slow down)
When I think I know it all, I know nothing (I will be humbled into the peace of just existing non-dualistically).
Amen.
