To Illinois… and beyond!
Presently, my human body is situation in midwest Illinois, in a bed in my boyfriend’s parents’ home. Why? Well, because I’m on my way to Dave Warnock’s Beach Week extravaganza in Alabama! I’m driving down there all by myself. It’s the longest roadtrip I’ve gone on, with the exception of the greyhound ride from Calexico, CA to Minneapolis, MN. But I wasn’t driving.
I’ve been really nervous about this trip for a while. It’s a lot to get into, but my experiences in travel have not been great and my brain has learned to only focus on the negative when it comes to travel. But this has been my dream. To not have to take time off of work to have an adventure. I did a lot of planning for this trip to give myself the best chance at staying in balance with myself (thanks Adderall!)
In the last month or so, I have been getting deep into my psyche and learning a LOT about myself and how I’ve become who I am. To learn more about that, check out the most recent episode of my podcast on this page. But suffice it to say, I have a lot more skills to pull from and more practice than I did before.
I started out my road trip this morning by packing the car and spending all the adrenaline I needed to and THEN I laid on the floor of my house for 15 minutes and breathed, released tension from my body, and reminded myself that I can think about things other than catastrophies and negativity.
Within 30 minutes of driving, I had to pee. That wasn’t part of the plan. However, since learning about my ADHD mind, I have been naturally arriving to the conclusion that I don’t want to live my life with a sense of urgency anymore. I decline the rat race and the FOMO culture we are inundated in. That said, it’s going to take some time to unlearn. But when better to practice than on a road trip to the gulf all alone?
So since my comfort is always more important than an arbitrary arrival time, I stopped to pee. And again 25 minutes later when I had to pee again. And again 30 minutes later when I had to pee again. There is always time to pee. Lesson #1.
I wanted to create good vibes for myself, so I started the trip by listening to a playlist my boyfriend made for me. It was fun for a bit but then my mind got bored and went back to negativity. Instead of powering through and continuing to listen to the playlist out of a romantic notion of the whole thing, I admitted it wasn’t doing it for me and I wanted to try something else. So I queued up the playlist that I made for me. And that wasn’t doing it for me either. I was a bit frustrated at this point and started catastrophizing about my seeming inability to be entertained. So I finally turned everything off. If nothing feels right, turn it all off and listen. Lesson #2.
Once in silence, I felt better. I could think more clearly. Then I decided that I would like to try to listen to my most recent episode of the podcast. Surprisingly enough, my mind clicked into it and I was engaged and entertained by the episode I recorded just two days ago. I think I have been so present in my head lately that I hadn’t really registered just how much I’ve changed. Listening to that episode, I saw how much more clearly I was able to think and communicate my beautiful ideas. Listening to myself is a delight. Lesson #3.
Once I was done listening to my episode, I realized that I had a few epiphanies from Sunday night that I hadn’t recorded yet. So I got my recorder ready and spent the next hour unpacking those realizations for an upcoming podcast episode. I enjoy talking about what I’m learning and my take on life. Lesson #4, but we already kind of knew that.
After recording an episode, I thought about what sounded good now. Honestly, Conan O’Brien’s podcast sounded good. So I queued up the Kristen Schaal episode and laughed my ass off and was absolutely delighted. Particularly tickled when Conan and Kristen had a chat about religious trauma. Damn. Humor is funny. Lesson #5. Hot take. Pretty sure I’m going to spend the rest of my 5 days of driving listening to Conan’s podcast.
Over the 7.5 hours that I was driving, my body started to ache. My left sits bone / hip got all mad and my upper right back got all pinchy and was feeling stiff all over. I had planned to stretch at gas stations but was hindered when I experienced thoughts about how I look silly stretching in a gas station parking lot. I’m not sure what that’s all about but it kept me from really doing the stretching that I needed. PLUS, I was experiencing a baseline anxiety throughout the drive that was caused by my chronic negative thinking and it was causing me to tense my muscles and make them ache. Some of my physical suffering is directly caused by negative thinking. Lesson #6. In response to these challenges, I began to play with how I could stretch while still driving. Still not idea, it was really helpful. More than anything, it uplifted my mind who is used to being annoyed with my inability to address pressing issues in the moment. I engaged. I experimented. I showed up for myself.
Lastly, my boyfriend’s parents are cool. They are so deeply into living and I love it. I had a realization the other day that people like me who are fixated on existential stuff are actually hurt. Well, I shouldn’t say all of them. I’ll just speak for myself. I am fixated on existential issues because I never resolved my existential angst. People like Adam’s parents found some kind of response to their existential angst that allows them to ENGAGE life and doodle all over it. They have so many hobbies and delights and it’s all over their house .They’re creators. It’s beautiful.
Anyways, I am absolutely wiped out and my body hurts and I just want to sleep. Here are a few pictures of my day. Expect more posts in the coming weeks and subscribe to my blog using the form in the header. Peace.
