Reclaiming Self-Awareness After Spiritual Abuse: A Guide to Healthy Emotional Check-Ins
Info from Dr. Gpt:
For someone who has experienced spiritual abuse, particularly when they were taught to interpret their emotions and desires through the lens of what God was saying, learning to check in with themselves in a healthy, non-religious way can feel confusing and unfamiliar. When the checking-in process was previously tied to discerning God’s will, they might have learned to distrust their own feelings or believe that their desires and emotions were wrong or irrelevant unless validated by an external authority.
Here’s how to help someone reconnect with themselves and check in with their emotions and desires in a clear, grounded way:
1. Recognize That Your Emotions and Desires Are Valid
After years of being told that emotions or desires might be sinful or messages from God, it’s crucial to start by validating that your emotions are your own. They are natural signals from within you, not external messages or signs of divine approval or disapproval.
Reframe: Instead of viewing emotions as confusing messages from a spiritual source, start by recognizing that they are your body and mind’s way of communicating your needs, boundaries, and desires.
Tip: "Your feelings are valid simply because they exist. They don’t have to be filtered through a religious lens. They are part of you and they matter."
2. Start with Your Body: What Am I Feeling Physically?
A simple and effective way to check in with yourself is to start by noticing your body. Emotions often manifest in the body before we can put them into words, so tuning into physical sensations can help you understand what you’re feeling.
Body scan: Close your eyes and take a moment to scan your body from head to toe. Notice if you’re holding tension anywhere, like your jaw, shoulders, or stomach. Ask yourself, "What sensations am I feeling right now?"
Example: If you notice tightness in your chest, that might indicate anxiety or fear. A relaxed feeling in your body might indicate comfort or contentment. These physical cues can give you an initial sense of what you’re feeling emotionally.
Tip: "Your body is often the first place where emotions show up. By checking in with physical sensations, you can start to understand what’s happening inside."
3. Identify the Emotion: What Am I Feeling Emotionally?
Once you’ve connected with your body, try to label the emotion you’re experiencing. If identifying emotions feels difficult because of past spiritual confusion, start with simple categories like:
Happy
Sad
Angry
Afraid
Confused
Anxious
Content
You don’t need to overanalyze the emotion or look for a deeper meaning—just focus on naming it.
Tip: "Ask yourself, 'What emotion am I feeling right now?' Don’t worry about whether it’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ just let yourself name it without judgment."
4. Accept the Emotion Without Judgment
In your past religious experience, you may have been taught to judge emotions as good or bad, or to dismiss certain feelings (like anger or doubt) as sinful. To truly check in with yourself, it’s important to accept your emotions as they are, without attaching moral or spiritual judgments to them.
Tip: "It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Emotions aren’t bad or wrong—they’re just signals that something is happening inside you. You don’t need to fix them or explain them away."
Mantra: "I accept this feeling. It’s part of my human experience."
5. Ask Yourself: What Do I Need or Want Right Now?
When checking in with yourself, it’s also important to discern your desires and needs. Instead of looking for external validation (like wondering what God would want), focus on what you need or want in this moment. This can feel difficult after spiritual abuse, where your needs might have been minimized or disregarded, but it’s an essential part of reconnecting with yourself.
Tip: Ask yourself, "What do I need right now? What do I want?" You don’t need to justify these desires to anyone, and they don’t have to align with any external standard of morality or righteousness—they just need to feel true to you.
Example: If you’re feeling tired, you might need rest. If you’re feeling anxious, you might need comfort or reassurance. By asking yourself this question, you can start to tune into your own needs instead of dismissing them or looking for outside validation.
6. Differentiate Between Past Conditioning and Present Feelings
It’s common for people who have experienced spiritual abuse to confuse their current feelings with the internalized messages from their past. For example, you might feel angry about something but immediately suppress the anger because you were taught that anger is sinful. Part of checking in with yourself is learning to separate your authentic emotions from the beliefs you were conditioned to hold.
Tip: When an emotion arises, ask yourself, "Is this how I really feel, or is this a reaction to something I was taught?" For example, "Am I really wrong for feeling angry, or is this just something I was taught to believe?"
Mantra: "I can trust my feelings. They belong to me, not to my past conditioning."
7. Practice Mindfulness to Stay Present
Mindfulness can help you stay present with your emotions and desires without getting overwhelmed by past judgments or fears. When checking in with yourself, try to stay present with what you’re feeling right now, without trying to make sense of it through your past religious teachings.
Tip: Take a few deep breaths and focus on the present moment. Try to observe your feelings and thoughts as if you’re watching them pass by, without attaching meaning or judgment to them. You can think of them like clouds moving across the sky—they come and go.
Mantra: "In this moment, I allow myself to feel and be present with my emotions."
8. Give Yourself Permission to Change Your Mind
In the past, you might have felt pressure to have clear, fixed answers about what you wanted or how you felt, especially when trying to discern what God wanted for you. Now, it’s important to give yourself the freedom to change how you feel or what you want over time.
Tip: "You’re allowed to change your mind or your feelings. Checking in with yourself is a dynamic process, and what you need or want may evolve over time. Trust that your desires are allowed to shift as you grow."
9. Self-Compassion for Confusion
It’s okay if checking in with yourself feels confusing or difficult at first, especially if your past experiences with this process involved fear or uncertainty. Give yourself permission to feel confused and remind yourself that this is a new, healthier way of connecting with yourself.
Tip: "If you feel confused or unsure, that’s completely okay. It’s part of the process of learning to trust yourself again. Self-compassion is key here—allow yourself to feel uncertain without judging yourself for it."
Mantra: "It’s okay to be confused. I’m learning to trust myself and that takes time."
Final Steps:
Check in daily: Make this a regular practice, even if it’s just a few minutes a day. Ask yourself, "How am I feeling? What do I need?" over time, this will feel more natural.
Journal: Writing down your thoughts, feelings, and desires can help you sort through them and see patterns that will guide you in understanding yourself better.
Therapeutic support: If checking in with yourself still feels too complicated, working with a therapist can help you untangle the confusion between your authentic feelings and the internalized messages from spiritual abuse.
Final Thoughts:
For someone with a history of spiritual abuse, learning to check in with themselves is about reclaiming their emotions and desires as valid, without needing external validation from religious teachings or past conditioning. It’s a process of tuning into your body, emotions, and needs, and learning to trust that these feelings are part of your authentic self, rather than messages from an external spiritual authority. By practicing this regularly, you can build a healthier, more intuitive relationship with your inner world, free from fear or confusion.
