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I am terrified to let go of all of it, including the cynicism and hypervigilance. I see it there now, covering up what I truly am. I lie to myself saying that it's not there, where is it? But it's that which thinks that that is you. How you've been experiencing your identity as a human is not what it really is. You become aware that blyouve been made to be stupid and afraid constantly.

If you are experiencing having an opinion about something, specifically in your conscious stream of thought, that which you call you in that moment is not actually you. It's just that we mid identified our internal core as our intellect and thought but it's actually a full bodied experience behind thought. It is as different as radio and live music at the reality level. No special spiritual favor for being extra good. Just moving my center of self identification to the embodied source where essence actually lives, where you won't have to work so hard to know how to behave. You won't become the perfect human either. You are going to be very sad and scared. You will see what truly is going on with humans and their ignorance killing this journey we've been on for so long. Those who could help the cause become so overburdened and cynical to try to make a change. They just keep their heads down and politely do a milder wilder version of a life than their parents did. And they'll just feed the broken system community of humans on this planet.

You've got to be patient with them Marie, when they run away quickly from you. Don't give up so quickly and look away or change channels. Stay with it, even as it bobs and bounces and tells you you're crazy because you can't put together a full thought. Stay with it, even as it tells you that you are being overly confident, admiration seeking, self image obsessed person that there is. Stay with it,

If you can't be honest about the thought you're trying to notice and identify, then be honest about the one you're having where you're judging yourself too.

There is nothing romantic about having misidentified ourselves as a species. It causes severe mental anguish for the sufferer which is an abuse of our evolved prefrontal cortexes. This enlightenment thing is a modern caused issue. We crawl, looking for enlightenment with a self humbling attitude when enlightenment is simply letting go of identification of our Self light as thoughts.

I think I'm full of shit and that my thoughts are grotesque compared to everyone else's. That I have an ugly, dumb, mind. It is my enemy. Most of my existence is spent criticizing my own mind and it's vitality and flexibility. And then second-guessing that it isn't a broken mind actually and I'll be trapped in here forever and it'll only getting scarier and scarier. I feel the rope slipping through my hands. Time is flying by and I am broken and haven't changed one bit since my trauma started, I just got really good at repressing the very life essence that creates a fully living human.

I want to write words to myself on here, advice to myself for when I have challenging moments in the future with my reality. But the language I'd have to use just makes me want to throw up. It's so formal and fluffy encouragement that I never actually feel nor learn from

This is my awakening, fuck you.

I won't be explaining myself.

I notice I have thoughts instructing me to write and so think about this so that I can write about it. And I find it nearly impossible because then I start

I am noticing I feel I can't move on until I finish that last thought. I'm noticing I have something clever I could say but then I noticed an immediate eye roll judgement toward me and then a pulling away from considering being clever.

The thought that tells you that you have too many thoughts to clean up is wrong. You don't have to process and purify your thoughts consciously with active thinking and intention.

Woh. Big fight in my head just then. We don't like that we sound preachy.

What is preachy?

Instead of developing that thought more, I move along. I judge myself when I think I didn't translate my thought honesty.

Now I am having flashbacks of my childhood street. I am thinking how many times I've seen old people represented in media approaching death and expressing how they still felt like a child inside and I thought weird old people, I wanna get older!! Why are they being so weird and childhood lusty?

I'm thinking I make no sense. I feel the feeling of scoffing. It happens inside me, as if I were scoffing. Because it feels how I feel when I scoff. Could it be that I recorded how I felt when others judged me and then replay it to myself within my body. It's like their emotion got stuck in my body

The thoughts line up so fast and then drop so quickly that I lose all track of what I was thinking of and then am swimming in thoughts that my mind is broken and I can't escape this. I grow up with the fear of hell instilled in me, but this is it. This is what it would have to be. This life will be an eternity if I have to stay in this state of mind. I don't know how long I could gather the kinds of resources I need to be able to actively exert pressure against myself to end my endless mental pain.

And then there are thoughts saying that I'm over performing on this. That that last paragraph wasn't really me, it was grandiose. This other thought follows immediately, taking the other one with a heavy slam. I'm being too melodramatic.

I have thoughts that imagined that they thought thoughts. Because when I saw the thought, it was of a thought having a thought. Maybe my thoughts think they are sentient.

Ha. More thoughts. Ones sifting through the noise, trying to find the juiciest thoughts to write about.

Thoughts about how maybe someday I'll be a big name person who just gets to write about what they experience at the deepest level of awareness of thought they have. But then oh my god, we slap that down. Then a fight about whether I am settling for abstract words over really honest descriptions of the mental activity I'm aware of.

Then a thought about who will resonate with this? What will we have in common? Will some think I'm smart? Some think I'm stupid? Some look up to me? Some be intimidated by me?

Then a thought that reminds me of all the times I have privately used my phone in my bedroom late at night just typing the random thoughts I'm able to notice while I am high. It makes so much sense, feel so relevant, and then the next morning, I don't feel compelled by what I wrote anymore. Partially I feel overwhelmed by what to do with the information I am haphazardly having available to me. Do I need to sort through any of this? Am I supposed to do anything with this? Talk to it? Watch it? Strategize it? Try nothing at all with it?

What about the thought that says I am unable to stop having constant fearful thinking?

Or the thought that says, great, you feel it now, but tomorrow you'll be even more disillusioned and worn to the ground because you won't remember anything you learned yesterday.

It feels like I'm this security officer watching all these screens of thought and my job is to be aware of any and all new activity, but he blocks out from his awareness a bunch of the screens. This is because I can't stop thinking about thinking or having intentions about thinking or about trying to not have intentions about thinking or thinking on how to just stop thinking about thinking about thinking. And by then, your confidence in your mental reality breaks and you break apart and doggedly look for a new thought to grab a hold of before you think too much about what thought hellscape was that, why does it keep happening, and will it ever stop?

I spend a lot of time coming up with and rehearsing my position on new cognitive ideas I'm considering. But there is mostly fear underneath it and so my position isn't really readily available to me, just a rehearsal of a superficial understanding.

Sometimes I lose the information I saw in my head while I'm trying to write about it. I get to the end of the sentence and I've already forgotten the overall point I was going to make with several more sentences.

I have thoughts about feeling in my body the feeling of making art that nourishes me and helps me grow. And I feel like that's not possible for me. Because I feel I have nothing inside me I don't judge so I have nothing to give to art.

I'm fantasizing about reasoning myself out of this avoidance of art. Wouldn't it be cool if I fixed my own problem with my very own mind? But how could I approach art when every thought I have about it points to excellence and rigidity? What radical entry point do I need into art to get past the limited perspectives of art that I learned? Cuz capitalism art ain't working. I think I need to make it and I think the process of it is the ..

Oh they're fighting. Because look, I started talking about capitalism. Is using the words capitalism and patriarchy a red flag when it comes to awakening themes? They're helpful with the engagement of the outside world, but I am not sure how relevant all that is to the relationship you have with your own self identity and living experience.

Having thoughts that that was damn wise. Having thoughts that I'm conceited for thinking that I thought something was wise and that I entertained owning my wisdom despite not knowing where it comes from or what gives it it's power and wisdom?

Another thought says what does this have to do with our ancestors? Our modern sense of enlightenment,... Did everyone in our tree have this same multidimensional existence? Because if I'm onto anything at all, we are all way off base.

Then the thought of who the fuck is we and what the fuck do you know Marie? Youve been hiding from the news for decades. You've found history class to be irrelevant and boring.

So I don't trust my intuition. It's full of wrong information and old, faulty coding. I feel permanently broken, living with the devil traumas of my past.

It feels unfair I should be going through this.

Not sure where that thought was going but I feel embarrassed for both losing the thought and going through the humiliating performance of half apologizing for my mental breaks.

I wonder how long it's been like this. Did it build up gradually? A series of long term bad luck? Or did it happen at the beginning and then experiences created compound interest in trauma wound? Did I never have a chance to be me? Were we all rigged from the beginning?

Maybe the future won't be more of the same. It's hard to hope for something like that. We have a pretty disappointing background/history. Right now white supremacy is a big topic but we've all been taking turns ... Killing each other? Or have governments? If people had to actually interact with each other outside of the influence of a large government, would things be better? But I don't see how ...

Do you think that maybe our consciousness is evolving itself? I don't know what I mean by that.

When texting a friend, I thought of a response and then I thought it sounded corny then I started thinking about where do these kinds of thoughts come from, particularly humor.

Maybe this is how I take my dogs for a walk. Honest journaling.

But I know future self won't know how to get into the state of mind necessary to be honest and it will think itself in circles trying to remember how it got stuck in a circle and why did this have to happen again and surely we are deeply broken and who knows how long this is going to go for this time and what surely am I doing right now to cause myself my own suffering. Then I feel profound frustration towards myself and I feel it as the recipient too.

When I honestly notice my thoughts, there is no sarcasm. Or short hand language.

I think a lot about what might need to change in society to shift us into our natural state of being.

But then I judge myself for thinking about global radical change, feeling I haven't seen enough or know enough to have a supported response. I judge myself because like a child, whenever I get excited about something, I need to immediately tell everyone, low key if I must, educate, change the world. But you know, it doesn't sit right. That whole missionary thing. I don't trust it. So I don't know how to go through this Being transition without finding myself needing to use a lot of weird words about weird topics with a lot of intensity because for me, this IS life and death. It's my lived existence and moment to moment. I'm gonna be intense about this.

My brain feels tired in an excellent way.

My brain is playing back some quotes of guidance I'd read, like where I read about the benefits of journaling for mindfulness. And so I go, ah, see, they told me so. I should have listened. Now I have to use this practice regularly, and expect the same or similar experience, but likely I won't practice because I already wrote it off as another of my weird weed nights where I fucked around with writing what I was truly thinking. But in the morning, I make the cognitive walk of shame back home.

I am thinking about how I am feeling the meat of this post. My brain has told me many times that I have successfully dug deeper than usual and spoke truth. Then I imagine people reading this and feeling so seen and validated by my description of my mental content.

Now I'm judging myself because I am starting to sound like ego.

What does that even mean?

Ah fantasies about these words being read out loud by many many others and causing a self awareness wave.

And then there's a thought about why do I care so much? Why am I so motivated? And that question isn't being asked to my thinking mind, who might say, I've suffered so much, I want to help others. But if I ask that question below the thought response, Marie'soul, what drives you to want to preach every new thing you learn on this dark path? I don't think it's really to help others.

I'd have to examine the thought again more closely and I can't conjure it up right now.

When I post a blog post, I don't like to edit it too much because that takes work. And the stuff I'm writing about I'm barely able to access let alone organize. So raw it is. And immediately after I post it, though, I'll read it again two or three times. And when someone emails or texts me about the post I made, it'll bring it up in my mind again and I'll wonder, what did they feel when they read what I wrote? And I'll read the post again, and hold the image of them in my mind while I do it.

Gone deep. Feeling scared. Impulses to close phone, pretend we didn't think about any of this, and just fall asleep to hellish thoughts radio. How could I not smoke weed every day?

I hear my partner making noises outside the room and my body reacts with fear. I feel this shift in what I imagine myself presenting and I get ready to be emotionally guarded and psychologically muted. And then when he doesn't come in the room, I feel anger because ...

I have thought looking for thought. Trying to find something to notice, thereby becoming through itself. For Halloween I'll dress up as a thought wearing a shirt that says "thought hunter". Delusional little thought. Or should a thought be labeled as delusional? Or is delusional a pathological sourced word and pathology infers inferiority or lower quality or broken or less than. My thoughts

Maybe it's taken me this long to do what I needed to do to finish thinking these thoughts that started at 13?

Ah but here I go trying to define what I think is happening to me and what is the story that fits best so i have a guide for how to relate to myself.