Skunk

Maybe trauma is that thing where you experience something very young before you're aware you're aware yet you're still authentically you and you learn that something is not safe. And you record it in your psyche and then, optionally, your awareness program can hide awareness of that lesson being learned and in what context. It just becomes part of the assumption of Self when we consider ourselves. And that's why understanding what the mind is meant to be holistically, we can understand what trauma is and how to find it when you've hid it from yourself. It means surrendering the intensity of your ego so that the block will dissolve. That grip the ego has, saying This is Who I am. Ego glues us together but it is blind to itself and must be. But becoming aware that we aren't the ego, the mind experience, but this organic lens. The ego isn't fake. And it's not bad or evil. Nothing to conquer. And its not malfunctioning. The ego is brilliant in being designed to function to hold an identity whilst also being able to hide awareness of things from itself. I thought I was Marie. but I wasn't. I was a mutt mix of code and it rendered such a personality. Code that my ego injected into my Self in order to keep itself, the ego, safe from threat of demise. There are a lot of ways to Be from within here, depending on what you pay attention to. My mind is filed with journal entries from my past selves. I'd been living blindly according to their catastrophic conclusions hidden from themselves. No wonder I seek the psychological security of a partner. My ego found partners to be a very strong crutch of the ego whilst I've been in this period of Crazy. I think I learned very early on in life that I am not right. And… that that is shameful. I think I learned it incredibly early on. And I've been afraid and feeling like I was in a test I didn't know I was scheduled to take. But that I should never ever admit that I'm unprepared for this test and I'm scared because then people would call me crazy or over emotional. I feel like one of my major psychological wounds is a voice in my head that says I'm a low bass tone that I am a dysfunctional essence, I am alone in my secret internal experience, and I should never let others know. Or what? The first feeling that came to mind when I asked that was of that feeling you can remember deep in your most profound layers of Self, that sinking, drowning dark fear that you will be left alone and rejected. And the wail from the gut that it expresses. That bellow. I haven't cried like that in … I can't tell you how long. I can't remember the last time I felt safe or cry or scream, even when alone. This horde of mosquitos I've gotten so used to. The itching. I just dissociate and get used to it. I pretend like they're not there. I have to. They never left. This whole time they never left while I've been carrying on, pretending like I don't hear them all the time. The amount self gaslighting that I do to myself second to second and then to be completely unaware of it. It's brilliant. It's all still there. My ego feared dying from knowing this, and surely thought it was dying, but now that it seems the nature of the human mind, it's somehow freer. It knows it's safe in a supportive, self sustaining system that is complete on its own. Even now, while I write this, they interrupt any thoughts I have, before I can barely think it, and they degrade it, invalidate it, find some way to interpret it's nature as absurdly offensive and insane. And being the ego that believed it was insane was a serious hell. And I'm still in it. It takes effort to remember how to identity Who I actuslly am in this mind because my thoughts can be so shady from my attention and I just forget to remember I am not my thoughts.