Maternity Leave
Yesssss, the title is clickbait. I didn’t mean it to be. It’s just really the best subject for this post.
The awakening continues.
I’m going to record a podcast episode about this that will go into more detail, but I am 97% convinced I’m going to take what I’m calling a “maternity leave” for the next 6 months or so. No, I am not pregnant. In fact, I am unable to get pregnant, fun fact for you. No, I have been born again. Haha, click bait again. Sorry. I can’t help it. All this spiritual jargon from my days gone by in Christianity is rising to the surface to help me to linguistically conceptualize some new experiences of reality that I’m having.
I guess you could say I’ve been trying to “wake up” for a long time now. I remember feeling a lack of wholeness from a very early age which has been a perpetual state since then, with new experiences adding new layers to a narrative of not being enough. My experiences in religion robbed me of my DNA-given right of cognitive sovereignty (not that I believe we have free will, per se, take your debates elsewhere). I have been trapped inside a small, compressed box in my head most of my life. Learning about there being a god and a devil in my head only confused my understanding of how to relate to my own thoughts. I never got over it. I’ve been trying to survive without a Self ever since. I was so sensitive to any discussions about the metaphysical or the metaphorical, understandably, and I completely missed what was right in front of my eyes: I wasn’t really being a human. I was repressed, filtered, and masked. Could anyone tell? Maybe the very spiritually or psychologically astute. I certainly didn’t know.
Anyways, the awakening goes on as I pursued my god through missions work in Mexico (2000-2003), and then began therapy in 2003. I projected my lack of Self onto the first partner I had and married him very quickly. I was able to hide in that relationship for 5 years while also performing for the educational institution and learning how they wanted me to learn. I went through an awakening that marriages aren’t as important as the health and happiness of those in the marriages. Divorced that guy. But without handling my lack of Self, the next guy that came along became another projection for me to hide in. And I hid in him for 11 years as I metaphorically tiptoed out into the big scary world and tried to start figuring out what it was that was making me feel less than whole inside.
In 2017, I woke up to the cultural norm of monogamy and dug into my fear of relationships. Wow. That was 2017. I had no idea what I would find. And here I am, 5 years later, realizing that all that pain and fear and discontent were shadowed from my own awareness. As of this moment, I'm realizing that I had no sense of Self, effects of having ADHD, growing up in a dysfunctional family system, getting involved in controlling forms of Christianity, and being codependent.
The last year in particular has felt like I am dying. Piece by piece, as I begin to hold space for my mind and thoughts, I have been deconstructing my very sense of Self. And it has been falling apart without anything backing it up. And that has been terrifying. At times, often to be honest, it has felt like I am going insane. In some journaling, I’ve called it dying to Self, or ego death, or even a “sacrifice for sins”. The latter phrase intrigues me because it hints at the possibility of updating my interpretation of Christianity to fit something that feels more human. Not that I need Christianity, but the archetype is imprinted in my head and better to do something productive with it, right? Isn’t religion just your favorite pair of glasses to experience the world through? So why not take the one I was indoctrinated with and upcycle? But, I’m getting off the point. Ego death. It’s terrifying.
It’s crazy to think that a lot of this started with just my minute awareness of little synapses. I called them Slugs in a podcast episode months ago. Once I referred to them as “Jeremy Lee” because they were in regards to body self-consciousness that started when I was a princess in a play and had to sit on the knee of a boy named Jeremy Lee and I wouldn’t put my full weight down because I was sure my weight would crush his precious boy leg. And now I’m finding out these aren’t just small little slugs that appear now and then. I’m pretty much ONLY SLUGS. Like Lucky Charms only-marshmallows except… slugs… and not as enjoyable to experience. It was October 2021 that I integrated the knowledge I have ADHD and that began the most disorienting part of ego death (that’s just what I’m gonna call it; back off). It was January 2022 when I started Adderall which profoundly changed my experience of my reality and made me feel more integrated as a person. That resulted in feeling socially disoriented since I as I was had never actually met anyone that I presently relate to. Does that make sense? Like I tell Adam, I just got here. Before this, I was 3 kids stacked on top of each other, wearing a trenchcoat. I have been just pretending to be a functional adult on the outside. But the inside is a terrible terrible place to be.
It was just this week that I began to read about codependency, basically, a guaranteed condition if you are ADHD and haven’t had it addressed early on in life. Ouch. That book HURTS. I have lived a very secret life for a while now. Secret to those around me and often even secret to myself. I was aware at some level all this was going on, but I had psychological defenses up where I smashed down unacceptable thoughts. Mmmm… where might have I learned to do that? (Christianity. I learned it in Christianity. But also other things. But also Christianity).
Reading about codependency has helped me understand what’s been happening in my mind. When I wrote a few weeks ago about how I stopped socially performing in groups and just observed, that I noticed I was in the heads of everyone around me and being very vigilant about how I thought I was being perceived. I wasn’t … actually…. there. I was living in others’ minds. Learning that on my own was distressing and made me really sad for the Marie that had to built that defense. But when I read this book on codependency and they basically spelt that out as a symptom,… OOF. Ouch, ouch, ouch. A lot of what I thought was uniquely the essence of “me”, was just a repressed box of rules living existing in an endless expansiveness of awareness and potential. Ouch. This isn’t me.
So what is?
I’m starting to figure that out. But it’s required me to face some things that I dug very deeply. Like my aversion to spiritual experiences, which, turns out, are readily available when you’re at peace with your self. It also forced me to face my reactive position to Christianity in that I forcefully felt that people are dualistic. That we are just humans, the end. No soul. Nothing weird. However, as I honestly face and watch my internal experience, I realize of my own reasoning, that it seems like I am non-dual. Whether I am or not, doesn’t really matter. But for some reason or another, I do experience a non-duality of Self. And I think it’s wise to lean into that intuitive understanding. It doesn’t mean that I need to believe I have a soul nor that I have multiple people inside of me or whatever. But it is what seems to be. So I consider how I, as the ego expression of myself, can get out of my own way (sacrifice for sins) so that I can stretch out of this rule-laden box I live in and start to inhabit more of my nature (higher power). See? All this can kind of make sense in a metaphorical way. What the metaphor actually stands for? I am not sure I’ll ever know. But I’m okay going at this mostly blind.
Anyways, knowing what I’m not has been terrifying; however, knowing what I’m not has allowed me to consider and explore what I could be and how to connect with that. And that process has helped me to begin to recover from codependency and a lifetime of ADHD adaptations. I feel “born again”. I, as I experience myself, feel like I just showed up here. I’ve been flickering on and off a little over the last 4 to 5 months, but “I’m” starting to spend more time “on” than “off”. And it has me questioning the life I have found myself living. What did that poor little Marie do with her pain? It’s like finding Will in his fort in the Upside Down. What did this poor kid have to endure to survive this torture for the last several decades? I am meeting myself with a lot of grace and compassion and I barely have to try, given the truth of my experience that I’ve finally seeing.
So I feel like I just had a new baby. A new Self. A Self that doesn’t need other people in order to see itself, to know what it feels or wants, to get its value. It’s a Self that knows it is enough. It is a Self that understands its vaporous nature during this short period of time within a culture of immediacy, greed, fear, control, divisiveness, and ego. And I think we need some time to get to know each other and rebuild.
So I’m going to take a maternity leave. I’m evaluating all my obligations and considering whether New Marie still wants to do those things or whether those things feel suspiciously like something Traumatized Marie put into place to support her vulnerable psyche. And so I evaluate:
Blogging —> Why am I doing this? Is it for me? Is it for you? Is it for me through you (projection/codependence)? Is it for a fantasy I have of becoming well known and revered for the topics I write about? If the latter, which it might be, is that still the kind of thing I want to motivate me?
Podcasting —> Why am I doing this? I don’t like recording if I am not home alone. I have to be in the right mood to record. I feel guilty when I don’t release something for a while? Who am I doing this for? For me? Do I feel better after I release one? Do I feel an organic desire to record or does it come from obligation and overwhelm?
Patreon Experiments —> I committed myself to 1 experiment on Patreon per week. But they’ve generally been virtual things, like making a video. Do I really want to be spending more time on the computer? Do I feel like I owe my Patreons something? Who am I making these for?
ENM Support Group —> Why am I doing this? Is it a lotto machine that I am compulsively pulling the handle and hoping that something will come out of this? Reputation in the ENM community and more clients? Do I want more clients? Do I want to hustle like this? Do I get anything out of these groups? Do I like facilitating? Do I want to give away more of my time for free? Or do I just want to let my business grow organically? Do I not need to save anyone or go viral at all? Am I at peace with just being a resource without putting extra effort into telling nameless groups of people that I’m a resource?
Ex-Religious Support Group —> Why am I doing this? My heart hurts for the community that is recovering from the effects of abusive religion. But do I still even like facilitating? Am I doing this as a projection of what I need? That I wish someone would fiercely hold space for ME to talk about my trauma? Am I doing it to help others recover so that I can experience recovery through them?
Secular Spirituality Support Group —> This group hasn’t even begun yet and I’m already spent on it. Do I really want to give away another 2 hours on a Sunday to have people in my home and again facilitate conversations about topics that I am passionate about? Wouldn’t I rather just have those conversations with myself?
Two dates a week with Adam —> I am deconstructing my codependency while in a romantic, domestic relationship. I have two date nights a week with him but also see him a lot during the week and weekend when we hang with his kid. Do I need two date nights? Would I rather have another night for myself and have more space to look forward to our special time once a week? It scares me to back off from two dates because it feels like letting go of something I’m afraid will scurry away if I don’t hold on to it tight. But that is not a reason I want to do things anymore.
4 Zumba classes a week —> Exercise used to be a big thing that I felt I should do and I spent many years trying to work on exposure therapy to find some kind of peace or rhythm with it. Now I go to Zumba 5x a week. Do I need to go to Zumba 5x a week? Is that too many? I used to go that much because it was one on a short list of things that made me happy. But that list is getting longer and more diverse. Do I need to identify so strongly with this activity anymore?
1 Yoga class a week —> Do I want to go to these? Or do I just like the idea of doing yoga in a group? Does it enhance my self-identity or am I actually present there and enjoying it within myself?
Therapy —> Am I actually getting anything out of therapy? Am I outsourcing my own Self exploration onto a professional? Do I need that? Can I be trusted to handle it from here?
ADHD coaching —> Do I really need an ADHD coach? I only just started with her 2 weeks ago and have seen her once and I’ve already had a lot of awakenings and made a lot of changes just on my own by being aware, compassionate, and adapting. Do I finally have the space to have more free time in my life, now that I feel safe with my Self with boredom?
Mastermind —> I’ve been part of a great small business support group for a few months and their support has helped me achieve things I never would have achieved on my own, like making this new website and getting the Women’s Press article written. However, as I continue to find my self, I don’t feel as much drive to hustle and build my business, constantly refining things and thinking of new workshops or videos to make. It’s almost like my hustling was a generalized codependency. Looking for any kind of approval from literally anyone.
So these are the things I’m considering reducing or cutting out entirely. And then leaving the next 6 months with a very light schedule, focusing on things that are 3 dimensional and stem from or create a deep pleasure for me. I think that will include doing handyman projects around the house, working in the yard, reading, learning, staring at trees for hours, journaling, moving my body, and more. Maternity leave. I think it’s time for me to get to know myself and that means temporarily putting some of my obligations to the side that don’t “spark joy” in the center of my Self as much as they are things I have done from FOMO or stemmed from a sense of running out of time, not being enough, and having to justify my existence through my work.
I just want to live.
