Okay, fine, magic.
First of fucking all, this is the second time I'm trying to write this post. I'm typing it up from my phone because I had to surrender my work laptop a month ago and my cat ate the charging cord for my old shitty backup laptop.
I have resorted to choosing to believe in magic simply because it makes this whole human thing work better, not because I actually believe in it but rather in the unknowable mechanisms under how magic thinking actually works for us. We do better when we believe in divination. Does that mean there must be a god? Not necessarily. It doesn't need to be scientifically proven for me to believe it, but I DO need to experience it to believe the shadow of it.
A stuck thought of whether I should hold back or throw myself into building my business in the coming months was exactly what I needed to use the tarot cards for. I just couldn't decide what to do, was so overwhelmed by the dream of it that I've been repressing it and not talking about it because I'm afraid to fail or afraid to be subject to more triggering and fear. Afraid i won't be able to start the project. It'll be just a strong effort in a manic haze that I won't be able to cognitively or emotionally relate to in one days time. If I push the gas, how hard will it be to focus on my ideas and execute them without losing my focus if I even had one? So I loop. Like I'm waiting for someone to say it's okay, or I would be great at it, or for a prophecy or something. Crippled without divine insight. I pulled a card that basically reassured me that I have the experience, I have the desire, and people believe in my work, so I should go ahead. And I could feel internally a possibility opening in my mind that maybe I will, then! The loop stopped because I was able to envision myself deciding. Deciding to do it. To be the person who does it. Before thst, I couldn't imagine myself being the person who could pull that off. I didn't believe in myself. Until I asked Tarot what to do.
The idea of divine helps us transcend our looping thoughts. Keeps us moving and changing by believing that we are being guided. But it seems to just be intuition. But how could it be called "just intuition". The mind boggling sensation of intuition feels so outside of the experience of the thinking mind that it feels magical, unexplainable or containable. The reason for poetry and art. The experience of being aware of our living nature in the moment. The magical messages we receive as the perceivers or sensors. Of course there is no magic but since the thing we are talking about is the thing that feels like being conscious, it's awe inspiring to know WHAT we are. We react with stories of divinity. But maybe we are just impressed with ourselves but need to route it through something otherworldly because in a way, it is.
What do I lose out on if I don't believe in magic? What do I lose out on if I do believe in magic? Not all kinds of magic. Be reasonable. But, for me, strictly internal magic. And maybe there is a word for that. Alchemy? Maybe it's this feature of the mind body connection that if the mind believes it can interact with the body and divine energies, it's a way of the mind lying to itself in order to regulate its own internal chemistry and state. Maybe this is why some people say we are God. God of our internal world.
