When Marie Did An Edible

Imma just go ahead and copy/paste the notes I took yesterday when I was very Now:

If you are lost in thought, use your attention to find the presence where thought is placed to the side.

I have been in a type of psychological state of shock. Unable to experience the wholeness of my conscious experience because I forgot how to focus on the present unfolding stream of experience. Yes, there are a lot of thoughts but those can be swiped away using attention, very easily it turns out. Once those thoughts of psychological trauma can be distinguished from the rest of the unfolding experience of consciousness, the full consciousness can be recognized again by attention.

It is attention. It is realizing that you are the one watching the thoughts … even the thoughts that you are crazy, losing your mind, or the ones that tell you how to be mindful.

I, as attention, have been consuming thoughts of judgment (not the classic definition of being an asshole but more like a survival mode judgment) like a IV fluid for my brain stream. Your experiences teach your brain what it should feed you. I feed myself judgment to fill my thought stream due to all the judgment I experienced growing up. But it's not unchangeable once it's noticed and the Consciousness remembers what it can actually hold (not just thoughts).

I have been profoundly dissociated. Everything Bagel. The nihilism stream of data (another leak) in my mind has been protecting me from the hell of existential psychological shock. I was not prepared at all for the reality of this existence nor validated when experiencing existential terror that is completely normal. And so I am unable to connect with others or be present for I am silently psychologically escaping by believing I am these thoughts only. That's all I'll look at.

My mental illness is a leak. A leak of fearful data overwhelming the system and not allowing the consciousness to see anything but the fear data, thus removing sensitivity to the natural experience of consciousness.

The judgmentalism has something to do with the nervous energy of existential shock.

It's remembering that there is still a Now happening. Your Past left such an imprint on your conscious lens that you forgot what Now was.

Remember. I didn't used to think this much. I dont need to be afraid to let go of thinking. I can remember how to return to that mind state.

I think we are all in a type of existential or psychological shock due to the dysfunction in society, not that we as society should be able to do better but that it just is.

011 tattoo into attention. Pay attention here now.