A Case for Self-Trust
I was reflecting last night on how I’ve managed to get where I am right now with Self awareness.
What had to happen to get me to where I am now,… where I finally feel like I have some orientation within myself. I’m going to do this in reverse order.
NOW: I have finally integrated Internal Family Systems. Learned that I am NOT a mono-mind (aka I am not “a person”) and that all this suffering inside me is only suffering because of how I’d been viewing it (an affliction to treat or rise above). This perspective taking and wholeness has resulted in me feeling sane for the first time since I was 12.
For the above to happen, I had to meet Ryan (super into IFS; able to have meta conversations about the voices, sensations, emotions, urges in our internal world)
For the above to happen, I had to process a total societal systemic deconstruction and disillusionment and be able to relate to Ryan eventually.
For the above to happen, I had to begin going to Creators Space where I practiced meditation in community where I could report what it felt like for me, make art, allow myself to play with symbols again, and experience somatic embodiment, realizing I’d been cut off from my body and it had been government-sanctioned.
For the above to happen, I had to get laid off from my job so that I would receive unemployment insurance and have the cushion of equity made from the house sale all allowing me to slow down and realize that even without real stress, my mind is filled with it, thus driving me to really focus on myself.
For the above to happen, I had to work with Chris Gunlock of Open Mind Integration to begin to integrate my shroom trip in 2020 and begin to try microdosing, culminating in a 2G trip where I finally became aware of the fact that I DO have voices in my head, I do exist, but I’m not crazy.
For the above to happen, I had to meet Ash at a party where I opened up to her about what I’d been experiencing in mental suffering. She then identified that I’m experiencing dissociation, related to me, and encouraged me by reporting that microdosing had done wonders for her. For that to happen, I had to go on a date with someone named Bex in 2017 so that I’d be invited to their party in 2022 to meet Ash.
Moving to another branch: in order to eventually end up at Creators Space, I had to moved to downtown St. Paul.
For the above to happen, Keith and I had to divorce and sell the house.
For the above to happen, Adam had to get COVID in April 2022 so that Keith would live with his girlfriend for the week and they would realize they wanted to live together.
I had to notice in February 2021 at a beach party that I wasn’t present at all but was only thinking about how other people saw me. The amount of awareness of my Parts was increasing but I still had no framework for what I was seeing. It was hell.
I had to meet Graham who was the first person I felt I could talk to about meta-awareness things. Having at least one person in my life be able to communicate with me about it made me feel less like I must be crazy or losing my mind.
I had to notice something was weird about my mind in order to renew my curiosity about my neurodivergence and/or CPTSD which gave life to the idea that I might not actually be as okay as I think that I am and that society may not be looking out for me.
I had to date Adam in order to reflect on how I was thinking and the feelings I was having. I began to notice stuff in my mind that I would call “slugs”. It was the first time I became aware of my “parts” but I had no frame of reference for them.
I had to try shrooms in order to be humbled and more curious about life so that I could go on a date with Adam Smith who has always perplexed me, behaviorally, which I now realize has a lot to do with how integrated and Self-embodied he is.
I had to try shrooms in 2020 in order to realize there might be something “wrong” with my mind or sense of reality.
I had to meet Caleb who was the first friend I had that I knew used “recreational” drugs. It was in talking with him that I decided to try shrooms in 2020.
I would have never have met Caleb if I hadn’t been trying to hustle my podcast by following other podcasters.
I had to date Adam S. in 2019 and then experience a break-up and then feel so lonely and want to fill a void so I started hanging out with Caleb.
I had to decide to experiment with polyamory in 2017 in order to begin to date other people.
In order to consider polyamory, I had to have a husband who was open-minded and supportive, which Keith was.
I had to feel profoundly wounded and broken and suffer deeply from my relational trauma in life in order to gather the energy to get support and try new approaches, like polyamory.
In summary, polyamory led to Self integration. HA!!
