2 Weeks of Epiphanies
Ever since I was laid off at the end of October, my journey of existing has become even more overwhelming. It has resulted in me being home alone all day with no objective responsibilities… a situation I’ve been waiting for for a long time. A situation I thought would lead directly to me chilling out, drinking tea, happily doing nothing but reading and enjoying myself. It has been the complete opposite.
With the noise of having a job or worrying about finances put to the side, I have had to face my pared down brain which turns out is laden with shame and fear. I can’t overexaggerate it. I know I give off a certain confidence, if you’ve met me, but the secret is that inside, and in the past: subconsciously, I am experiencing thoughts about how I have to do, say, stand, etc. just the right way or else someone will figure out that I am human trash. I share all this just to say that the “work” I’m doing on myself is getting objectively harder and deeper and I have been feeling really overwhelmed by it all.
Yet at the same time, over the same span of 2 years ever since I did shrooms for the first time, I have been changing my surroundings. Changing the people I spend time with. I started to take risks on certain people I met, suddenly curious about the humans that surround me instead of being judgmental or afraid. That accumulated in me being surrounded by my “inner circle” on Tuesday night this week and just being in utter shock about the quality of humans I’ve brought into my life despite not really knowing that I was or how I was doing it.
So in the last couple of weeks since I’ve a) met a new partner Ryan with whom I’m doing a lot of spiritual work and b) hung out with my entire inner circle one evening, I have some epiphanies I just want to written down and you’re the blog post for it. So in no particular order, here are some thoughts.
Anything but trauma: I have been hyperfocused on trauma and mental health at least since 2003 when I got my first therapist and decided something was wrong with me. I almost can’t talk about anything else. I am working on reminding myself how to be human by practicing talking about things OTHER than existential, trauma, awareness, consciousness related things.
Opinions: My overblown nihilism has resulted in me thinking that the voices in my head with complaints and opinions about inconsequential things is just dumb and so I don’t give voice to any of them. In my efforts to allow myself to be human, I’ve begun practicing voicing my opinion about things that don’t matter, like the shape of pillows.
Becoming Human: still related to the items above, I am trying to find ways to let myself be more human. The work I’ve been doing on myself has my awareness at a very high level that I’m practically dissociated from the human experience (mine and yours). I am realizing how much I am hurting myself by being “better” than humanity. I’m trying to be less dissociative and transcendent and a bit more mess and compulsive.
Perform Emotion: In talking through some of my subconscious thoughts with my partner Graham, he pointed out to me that it appeared that I have internalized the need to perform emotional states for people. I quickly saw how it was highly attached to being psychologically socialized as a woman. I don’t feel free to rest my face or to answer someone’s question less than enthusiastically. The burden I’ve taken on is incredibly taxing and I want to release it.
Controlling Perceptions: Again, a realization I had with Graham is that the urges in my mind have a lot to do with trying to control how others perceive me. My mind has decided what kinds of mannerisms and postures are “OK” and then my mind spends a TON of energy monitoring my mannerisms and posture second-to-second. I want to release this, too, as it is done as a protective thing for my mind to feel like we have some control over how others see us (because we assume others judge what I judge about myself).
Tattoos: Another gem from Graham: Tattoos are messages to your future self. I’m considering getting some grounding tattoos on the top of my feet to remind my future self of the importance of staying mentally/physically grounded. Experiencing dissociation as I do, this isn’t a crutch but a gift to my future self.
Internal Boundaries: I hear a little this week about Parts work in that it may be necessary to set boundaries with “parts” within yourself and how you’ll allow your brain to talk to you. I dunno, I guess I thought that I was supposed to just “notice” them and let them go like they say in meditation. But it’s becoming clear that you can also interact with them and lay down the law. Hey, inner critic, stop ridiculing our stomach. That is not what we do in this house.
Partners: When all my partners were together, I was contemplating their similarities and differences and why I chose them all. Here’s what I came up with. Graham is the guy that I philosophize with regarding consciousness. We talk at a higher conceptual level about stuff. But then Ryan is the person I do the dirty work with, getting into the crevices of the mind and body and working that shit out. Meanwhile, Adam is a model to me. I see him as being fully integrated within himself, so the way that he behaves always grounds me in terms of internal organization.
Social Attention: Another Graham goody. Graham pointed out that some of the things I was sharing with him indicated that I believed that I owed my full attention to people when they’re talking with me. My reality is that I am thinking a bunch of things at the same time. And I usually feel shame about that. And the shame distracts me even further. When Graham pointed that out, I began to think about how women are socialized to be immediately emotionally available, kind, thoughtful and attentive to anyone. So I have begun to think about whether I really think I owe my full attention to people just because they’re talking to me. Or whether enough of my attention is enough.
Unique Attention: Another thing I’ve been accepting/noticing is that when I watch media, I don’t usually follow the plot or pick up the little details. I thought that was because I have ADHD and I’m just cursed with a distracted mind. But as I judge my mind less and actually get curious about what it’s doing, I notice that it IS watching the show or it IS listening, it’s just watching/listening to what it’s interested in which usually isn’t the plot. I’m usually thinking about who the actors are off stage, how they got into this career, how did they make that scene, how did they pick that shot, what values or assumptions is this show communicating, etc. Stuff like that. I’m not dumb. I just focus on what I focus on. I’m going to work to give myself permission to think and focus how I think and focus.
Accommodations for the Future Self: I’ve also been thinking about how I often resist getting myself psychologically organized by documenting what I’m learning and what is significant to me because I have this deep (ableist?) belief that if it’s that important, I’ll remember. Or I have to trust the “process”. But I’m beginning to think that I may have a more severe mental injury than I have ever admitted to myself. The dissociation and shame make it very difficult to live. And so I’m considering how I can be more accepting of my dissociative tendencies and what I can do to work WITH it and support my future selves.
Kids Books: I’ve decided I want to start accumulating children’s books about topics (or with perspectives) that I wish I would have learned when I was a kid. So far, I have a kids book about consciousness and a kid’s book about sex. I like to read those to myself. Every time I read them, I feel like my inner child is getting a new education and that it’s rippling outward towards me, here.
Environment Grounding: Came up with an idea the other day (related to trying to think and talk about things other than existential or traumatic topics) of when I notice I’ve been thinking a long time on existential stuff and it’s bumming me out, to look around my environment and see if there’s anything around me that makes me think of something (that doesn’t have to do with trauma) and let myself start to think/talk about that instead.
Love/Belonging: Very difficult to keep believing deep down that I am undesirable and broken when I found myself surrounded by my nearest and dearest ones and felt the gravitational pull of each person, meaning, I seem to have surrounded myself with people who have a solid sense of self. And how could I do that if I weren't also actually developing one? The makeup of that group is an artistic expression of who I am. And I love that group. I felt a block inside of allowing myself to feel the love. But I could tell that I soon will be able to.It's almost like they represent the fragmented parts of me... And seeing them altogether, connecting on their own, made ME feel more integrated as a person with all my people interacting with each other. It all felt really significant symbolically if something happening to me internally
Nihilism: Considering the meaning of meaninglessness.
Competent Future Self: This is another Graham one. He was talking about how he is able to stay in the moment by only addressing what’s in front of him. If he thinks too far in the future about how to handle something that is neither here nor now, it’s displaying a distrust of his now-SELF to be able to handle it when the time comes. Each now-SELF can handle the moment they’re in.
Post-Wild: sometimes when I talk about leaving Christianity, I reference it as a bunker. Like being a Christian felt like living in a bunker underground my whole life. Getting out of that bunker, it’s overwhelming. The world is so big, bright, loud, complicated. Simply, I’ve been overwhelmed and underprepared. And understandably, my perspective has been that the world is a chaotic, evil, unsafe place. And I’ve been trying to find a way to stay safe in all this. But that’s meant psychologically hunkering down and living in a small, protected way. I didn’t see any larger, significant meaning, purpose, or beauty in the world. I only felt the loss of my old views contrasted against the evil world. But as I experience more of my consciousness and open more awareness and open my heart, I find myself connecting to what religion SHOULD have been, if it were right. A really powerful love, meaningfulness and oneness about being on this planet. I’m starting to “feel” religious,… if that makes sense. Just… a nibble of existential peace upon discovering maybe the world isn’t entirely evil and there is something really beautiful about NOW.
Male Gaze: This nugget is from time I’ve spent with Ryan. I’ve begun to open up with him regarding the voices/urges I feel in my mind/body about how I look. A part of me is always tracking and providing feedback about how I am sitting, how I am talking, the kind of eye contact I’m making and what it all communicates to those around me. And likewise, there is a part of me that reads into all the non-verbals that others are saying. Talking this through a bit, I was stunned when I realized this is the internalized male gaze. I am always checking to make sure that I am appropriate for viewing. Ew. So yeah, gonna work on that.
Directing Guides: Like I wrote above about having boundaries with your internal voices, today I was prompted to consider giving direction to my “guides” or my parts. I have those parts that are monitoring my body to make sure it looks acceptable. What if I spoke to those parts from the Self perspective and requested that instead of looking after that, that they start directing that attention toward the thoughts I’m having. I could use someone up there making sure I don’t mindlessly get sucked into trauma town.
Accept My Dissociative Part: In working with Ryan, I am slowly thinking that part of my work may need to involve integrating and accepting my dissociative part. Right now I relate to it as this thing where my goal is to try to keep it away. When it shows up, I feel like I failed at life and then I judge myself on how hard it may be to get out of dissociation. I am wondering what it would be like to relate compassionately to my dissociative states.
Graham and Tetris: When Graham was in town, we played Tetris Effects. It was fascinating to watch him play Tetris because he would not play quickly. When it sped up, he just gave up, refusing to make decisions that quickly. But when the pace was slow, even then, he would be thinking through his choices. I told him, “I feel like I’m watching you think”. Then when it was my turn to play, I was a dopamine monster. Playing incredibly fast. Efficiency? It was its own kind. It’s given me a lot to think about, like,… could I train myself to think more slowly? Right now, my body feels so stressed out and used to thinking quickly and frantically. I bet I can train it to slow down. I bet you can, too. I bet ADHD isn’t permanent. I bet it’s an injury that can heal.
Partners Together & Apart: One fun thing I’ve been talking with Ryan about is how essential our time apart as partners is as well as our time together. Being spiritual practice partners, it’s essential, of course, to spend time together. But it’s also essential to spend time alone. So even when I’m alone and I feel like I’m doing all these meditations and journaling completely alone, I now feel like I have a partner in the effort. And even if he isn’t here with me while I’m doing it, I still feel like he is. It’s really an incredible thing and a leveling up in relationships that I never dreamt of.
